Live Dangerously

Today was insane.

As per our usual weekend routine, B and I met for a delicious breakfast. We generally ATTEMPT (forced by B) to invite M but she is never up by the usual 11am time so, naturally, we manage to enjoy our morning without her. This breakfast was a little different than the rest though. If the following wasn’t an indication of how our entire day was going to unfold, I don’t know what it is. In plain view, mid-breakfast, a child started vomiting. The poor kid was bent over in the middle of the restaurant, barfing red, syrupy waffle puke.

Then, M called. She finally woke up, much too late for our breakfast, but she let us know that she wouldn’t have been able to come anyway because she was going to look at a car to buy. A car? Oh yes, the third one you’ve owned this month? Oh lovely. I hung up the phone and B and I spent the next ten minutes fuming about how M can’t afford a car, shouldn’t take the loan, how ridiculous she is, etc etc. Then we got thinking – we have nothing to do today! Wouldn’t it be hilarious to accompany M on this journey?

I called M back and asked if she would like us to come along. She happily agreed that we should, since she doesn’t know how to drive a standard car (yet she is buying one) and B does. Then we find out the car is about 45 minutes away and I get a little lazy and tell her that I don’t want to drive. This means, we are going in M’s beast of a car, with no insurance. Live dangerously.

So, we meet M at her grandparent’s house where she had been staying for the last few days. As we sat there waiting, M pulled up and immediately drove into the garage door. A bang that neither her, or her mother, heard. B and I let her know when she got out of the car that she hit the garage door, leaving a pretty substantial dent. This was of little concern as she would “fix it later.” Right.

B calls shotgun on the drive out to the big city. M, without a map, assures us that she knows exactly where she is going and then off we go. We have 1 hour to get to a place that should take us 45 minutes on a good day so we should be ok, right? Gimme a break.

I fear that that ride shaved a few years off of my life expectancy for two reasons: stress and exhaust fumes. I had to decide between wind-blown hair and passing out from exhaust inhalation because there was no way to sit in the backseat with the window up. We did have a fun way of passing the time on the ride there though! Every time that M stepped on the gas, we turned around to watch the mushroom cloud of blue smoke billow out of the ass end of the car. Hiroshima! Oh joyous day. M is single handedly depleting our precious ozone.

The Jetta that we are going to see is located at Main and East 2nd. This is relevant because we came to East 12th, and then East 16th, East 22nd, and M kept plugging along like she knew exactly where she was going. I think the conversation in the car went something like this:

SS/Me: The streets are going up, we have to turn around.
M: No, we are looking for something something St.
B: I think we are going the wrong way.
SS: We are definitely going the wrong way.
M: No, this street crosses with something something St.
SS: Ok, but either way, even if we find something something St. won’t we still need to go all the way back to East 2nd?

Silence.

B and I msg back and forth on our phones – “we are going the wrong fucking way, why the fuck won’t she turn around, omg this is a disaster” etc.

Finally, we come to East 44th and B and I essentially yell in unison, “TURN THE FUCK AROUND, M!”

42 streets in the wrong direction and 15 minutes late for our appointment and we are heading back! Then we finally come to Main. This means that two streets to the left, or two streets to the right, is where we need to be. Of course, we end up going right, which is the wrong way we realize very quickly. M doesn’t seem to mind though as she just continues passing street after street and not turning around. TURN AROUND, OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She finally chooses a road that I guess meets her standards and turns down it. Now, normally one would then pull into a parking lot or drive way or something to retrace their steps and go back up the way they came. NOPE. Not today, folks! M continues to follow the street without heading back to Main – she is actually not heading in the direction of our destination at all. Eventually I ask why we aren’t taking one of the streets that would lead us onto Main and she, well… I don’t think she said anything. She just continued onto this elaborate overpass which led us in the opposite direction of Main and East 2nd.

We asked a man in a jeep how to get to the place. He pointed behind him and said, “back that way” with a confused look on his face. And so we turned around successfully and suddenly we are at Main and East 2nd. Hallelujah. We need to go left or right but we aren’t sure which one. M is on the phone with the seller of the car right now and he is bitching her out because we are approximately an hour late and we’ve told him we are “just around the corner” about 4 times. In our defense, we actually WERE just around the corner, but M decided to go around every other fuckin’ corner on the way there. He tells us we have ONE minute to get there or he is leaving. So M doesn’t go left, and she doesn’t go right, she goes straight. M goes the only option that is 100% certainly the wrong choice. That’s right, M passes East 2nd by like it was a tranny hooker. OH. MY. GOD. What is WRONG with her?

So we backtrack… and finally, we get there. The guy is young, hot, and super pissed off. He is so unimpressed that he doesn’t even take out his headphones the entire time M was talking to him about the car. Both B and I were too embarrassed to go for the test drive so M was stuck with him alone. I’m surprised he didn’t launch it off a cliff. He did stop for gas though – 7 dollars worth.

She pretty much asked no questions – just informed him that she will buy the car tomorrow. I told her beforehand that we shouldn’t even bother going to view the car because no matter what the condition of it, she will buy it. She bought a car that starts with a screw driver! She will buy ANYTHING.

We’re sitting in the shitbox about to head home (I get the front seat this time) and I turn to M and say, “How do you plan on getting the car home tomorrow?”
M: Well, I will drive it.
SS: Yes, but someone needs to drive the other car.
M: Well then, I will take public transit.
SS: You do realize that public transit will take you approximately 2 hours to get here, right?
B: and I really don’t think you should learn how to drive standard in downtown Vancouver. I will come out after work and pick it up with you.

Wow, B. Big mistake.

Phewf. I’m tired now.