Her Room

M’s room is a complete disaster, not unlike herself. Every once in awhile when she’s not home, I will walk in there and just stand in one spot and let my eyes gaze upon the vast array of utter shit. I’ve seen messy rooms in my life time, and whenever I tell someone how much of a pigsty M’s room is, they always say, “Well, I don’t know, my room has been pretty messy!” No, friends, your room pales in comparison to this:





The pile of crap you see here does not just consist of clothes. Real garbage lies here. There are multiple shopping bags filled with actual garbage. As well as juice bottles, food wrappers, huge hair balls with tinfoil matted in them, many unopened credit card statements, four empty costco sized boxes of tampons, used make-up sponges, the list is never ending. The sponges used to be thrown in the garbage but because the two garbage cans she has are full, she just throws them onto the ground now.






The only way that you can get the full M’s room experience is by using one of those 360 things that realty sites use. Simple pictures just can’t make you feel the awe that I feel when I walk into that room. Oh, and she also keeps mementos from work. I guess a reassurance to herself that she has friends. It’s actually extremely bizarre – there was a coffee sleeve with a drawing on it resting on her bedside table as well as a note saying something like, “I won’t be in tomorrow, so have a great day!” from a co-worker on her bulletin board.

I actually sent the first photo to a friend of mine and told them that someone broke in and completely trashed the place. She believed me.

Before I go, here is a bonus shot. This is called a "money tree" and M bought it from Ikea to give her good luck. As you can see, the money tree has dried the fuck up:

Ketchup Situation

“How’s the ketchup situation? Do we need any?” M innocently asks via Blackberry Messenger. Well, if you read this blog, then you will surely know that the ketchup situation is absolutely dire and she has been using the contents of a family size ketchup bottle entirely as pasta sauce. Of course, I reply, “Yes, we do.”

When she got home, she put the new ketchup bottle in the fridge and notices the old ketchup bottle, which is empty and turned upside down (something she has done, you’d think that if you turned the ketchup bottle upside down yourself, you would have a mental note telling you that the ketchup is empty and you should purchase more.) She then exclaims, “Oh! We did need more ketchup!” Like I was fucking lying.

She also went to the doctor today to get back on her anemia drugs. She was off of them because she couldn’t afford to get them without medical coverage. Now that her health plan has kicked in at the ol’ Starbucks, she decided it was time to get health on again. Wrong. The doctors at the clinic closed early due to some sort of shortage of staff. Poor M, sick another day.

So Sad

Aww, it’s my birthday! We all went for dinner tonight, M included and I was hoping and expecting that it would be a gong show with tons of material for you to read but she barely did anything dumb!

This morning though, when I looked in the fridge, I noticed that there were two blocks of cheese that were both half used. I looked at them, thinking that perhaps they were different kinds but nope, they were both exactly the same. So, she went and bought the exact same cheese, then saw that other cheese in the fridge and didn’t realize that she was the one that bought it? So she used the new cheese. I asked her about this and she confirmed exactly what I thought – she had no recollection of buying the fucking cheese. Seriously, how can you be so goddamn vacant? Right after that she goes, “and is that your bottle of coke in the fridge?” No, no it isn’t.

She also admitted to me that her car costs her half of her net income every single month. So sad.

Soup Kitchen

This morning, I decided to wash the few dishes that were in M’s sink. I did this for a few reasons. Reason 1 being that I was totally bored and waiting for my ride to work because my car is still totally kaput until later this afternoon. Reason 2 being that she was nice enough to give me a lift when I was in need yesterday so I suppose I could do something nice in return. Finally, Reason 3 being that the dishes have been in the sink since last Friday, maybe earlier but I can be certain that they were there on Friday at the latest and it is nearly a week later now.

You see, M only does dishes when her sink has reached its full capacity. This was only a bowl, two cups, and a fork so there certainly isn’t any need to wash them within the next four years. I immediately regretted my decision when I pulled the fork out of the bowl to wash it and there was a long, sticky, wet substance with the consistency of egg whites just stringing from the bowl to the fork no matter how far I pulled it away. Fuckin nasty fermentation. Then I went to dry my hands and what was on the dish towel? Oh, just a dried up fucking Cheerio stuck to it. God, woman, we bought those when we moved in, over a year ago. They are fucking STALE. Stop eating them!

Later on, I asked her if she wanted to have lunch while I waited for my car but she declined because she already had a lunch date. Um, where? You have a dollar fucking forty – where the hell are you going for lunch? The soup kitchen?

I also found out that her and J went driving last night. She decided to go to her favourite destination – the beginning of the freeway. Yes, she drove 58 exits away just because! How she went there and back on half a tank of gas and only 1.40, we will probably never know. I bet she siphons gas while us regular folk are snug in our beds.

Thanks

Ok, thank the good lord above that M got her car back mere days ago because my own car had a lock malfunction and I couldn’t get in! She had to pick me up from work and drive me to the mechanics and then back and forth. I always harp on the negative so when she does do something good, I feel it is my duty to report it!

So good job, M. Thanks for being a pal!

Radio!

Holy shit. Get the fuck back in your house. Hide your children, lock up your pets, hide your potted plants, move your lawn gnome, park your car inside, jump out the damn way because our girl M is back on the roads and she’s comin’ for ya! Yep, you better believe it. I’m as shocked as you are that she came up with the funds and organized herself long enough to go to all the places she needed to be. First, she went to get her driver’s license back, which cost her about 500 bucks and then it was off to get her insurance…

Now, this is where it gets good. Just so that we all have a reference point, I have been driving for a few years now and have been completely accident and ticket free so far. My monthly insurance payment is $150. M went into the insurance place and was told that her insurance rate has risen 77% and that her monthly fee would be $540 – with no coverage. That, my friends, is $6500 a year and just shy of $18 a day. Essentially, she could take a cab to work every day and still be paying significantly less than she is paying to keep her car on the road.

The insurance agent explained to her that because she is a “new driver” on the road, her one accident is equivalent to a long term driver getting 6 accidents. Meaning, it would take the average joe 6 claimed accidents before they dropped down the 9 levels that M did when she decide to launch her shit into that Mercedes. What happens when M gets in another accident? And yes, that is WHEN, not if. Well, one more accident means that she will go from a +77% to +205% surcharge on the base insurance rate. Math is the opposite of my strong suit but with a little help from my friends, I’m pretty sure that means her insurance payment per month would be a nice $930.

Now that she is out on the road, she decided to have a little text conversation with B and she spat out some real gems like when B told her to “drive like a granny” she replied with, “I tried for a bit but then I got bored! Hehe, I am careful though. It took me a minute to feel comfortable driving – it was a weird feeling.”

Even more fun, “My wheels are making helicopter sounds. I think it is the brakes. They make noises when I step on them but they are working perfectly. I tested them. I think he just needs a good drive. It’s all just noise and you know the fix for that? Radio!"

When she got home tonight, she informed me that has $1.40 left in her account and that it has to last her until pay day this Friday. It’s Monday, in case you didn’t know. Oh, and she only has half a tank of gas and Wednesday is her day off so you can guarantee there will be a driving adventure of epic proportions.

Declined.

Earlier this week, M asked B if she would meet her for coffee to “talk about something.” Oh, I know, this sounds juicier than a Costco pack of fuckin’ Juicy Fruit and I’m all over it. As soon as I heard about this, I pushed my way into this coffee date faster than a cockroach when the sun comes up. Unfortunately, and likely due to my presence, nothing of interest was discussed but I am certain that when it happens, I will get all of the torrid details from our girl on the inside, B.

It is important to mention that M bought everyone’s drinks/food at Starbucks because she gets a discount and it is a whole lot easier than us pooling our money together and calculating how much this, that, and the other thing is. Why is this important? Well, after Starbucks, we went to the insurance centre so that M could pay off everything she needs to in order to get her car on Monday. Can you feel it coming? Yes, it certainly is a shame that her debit card got DECLINED due to insufficient funds!

When we got home, she immediately checked her online banking to see her balance. Much to her dismay, and my utter glee, she realized that she was only FOUR DOLLARS short and that if she hadn’t bought those beverages at Starbucks, she’d be sitting pretty.

And that, folks, is why you don’t eat other people’s ketchup. Karma is a mean old bitch.

Gayboy

I got the pleasure of hearing a story from M’s day at Starbucks. Lucky me, and lucky you!

Apparently, a homeless man came in and stole a chocolate bar, then told her to give him all the money in the register in a semi-joking way, and finally, he went out and punched a customer directly in the face. If things had gone slightly differently, M could have been the one punched in the face. Ah, but that’s the way life goes.

Anyway, this story prompted a discussion between us about the amount of people who use the Starbucks washroom in order to do drugs. She said that they have the phone number of a company that will come and pick up the needles if the employees don’t feel comfortable doing so. I say, “Well, obviously you don’t want to pick them up with your bare hands.”

M remarks, “Yeah! Gayboy did that once and I got so mad at him!” (Ok, she called him his real name.)

Of course, I heartlessly respond, “Yeah but he’s probably already got AIDS so he’s fearless!”

To which she scolds me, “You shouldn’t talk about my future husband that way!”

“Um, M. He’s gay.”

“Yeah, but I can turn him straight!”

Wow. I think she is actually in love with him and now she is just tortured by the fact that the dude likes dudes. The girl can’t even turn straight guys straight, I don’t know how she thinks she is going to manage this one.

Oh, and yes, I know my comment was offensive. That’s how I roll. If I can’t see the line from here, I’m pretty sure that means there isn’t one.

Dishes Misses

I came home for lunch only to find that the cupboard that houses our glasses was completely empty. I look at the sink and see that it is, you guessed it, full of glasses. Now, the way that we organize the dishes is as such: there are two sinks, so each of us places our dirty dishes in “our own” sink and then we wash them at our leisure (multiple times a day for me, and once a week for M). So whose sink was full of cups? You guessed it! M’s!

I was so furious about all ten of our glasses being used by one human being and then never washed that I took a picture of the empty cupboard and then I took a picture of her full sink. I sent both of them to her phone without an explanation. I felt that the two photos definitely spoke for themselves.

She responded with, “Ya, I’ve been getting home late from work and I didn’t want to wake you by doing the dishes. I am home tonight around 8:30 though, so I was gonna do them then.”

Ahh, my point was made and very effectively, if I do say so myself. Fear my wrath, bitches!

Note: Yes, it sounds like she was being considerate, but keep in mind that she could have gotten up 10 minutes earlier in order to wash the dishes on ANY of the days this week but she is too lazy to do that. Also, the sink and my room are on literally opposite sides of the house.