Citibank

Oh, M went to Citibank to pay her loan today because it bounced when they tried to take it from her account – big surprise there. This place is literally a 5 minute bus ride from our house, it’s about 4 major streets away, yet M managed to get lost. For over an hour. She said she was walking around but that, “when you’re not driving, you are looking at things from such a different perspective!” Seriously, those words were spoken.

Anyway, she called Citibank and the nice lady actually directed her to their door step via telephone. When she got there, she realized that the lady was actually the same lady that gave her the loan in the first place (yes, she has been to this location before, and still got lost!) and the lady asks, “You were walking?” To which, of course, M says, “Yes.” Then, puzzled, she asks M, “But… didn’t we give you this money to buy a car?”

Yeeeeaahhhh, about that… awkward!

Nope.

Poor little M walked home in all that snow outside. She walked in all dripping with sweat and condensation and told me that she fell countless times and people almost ran her over, etc etc. I have to be honest, I stopped listening to her when she talks to me a LONG time ago so any story that she tells me is the first five words followed by blah blah blah.

I did notice that she brought home groceries though! Hmm, what do we have here in these bags? Pasta? Check! Salad Dressing? Check! Ketchup to replace the giant bottle that she has used of mine? Nope! You fuckin bitch. She’s used pretty much all of my ketchup and my parmesan cheese has about 3 specs left in it. AGHHHHHH!!!!!

I will say something… sometime. But right now I feel she may be on the verge of suicide, so I want to tread lightly.

I caved

What is wrong with this picture? M wakes up at 1:30pm and has to be at work for 2:45pm. She has 1 hour and 15 minutes to eat, shower, do her hair, do her make up, get dressed, and walk to work. This is not possible for M because she is a very slow and lethargic human being, not to mention that the walk to work itself is nearly an hour long.

So, if this time frame is impossible, how does she plan to get to work on time? Oh, that’s right, it is Sunday and I’m not working so obviously I will end up being her fucking chauffeur. She asks me at 2pm if I would like, “a free coffee at 2:30 in exchange for a ride.” Do I have a choice? Ok, sort of – but then what would she do? Be late and get fired? Take a cab there for 15 dollars? I mean, it is hardly a choice, I would just be an asshole if I said no.

What pisses me off the most about the situation is that she simply assumed I would be able and willing to drive her. If she had gotten up in time to do everything and walk there, I probably would have offered to give her a lift since I wasn’t doing much. Instead, she gets up late and simply assumes my ass will drive her there.

Well, she was right, I caved and I drove her. And I didn’t even take a free fucking coffee.

Mishaps

M has decided to get a payday loan so that her car payment doesn’t bounce! Now, I’m not 100% familiar with how these work but I’m pretty sure that you take your pay stub into the loan place and they give you a percentage of what you earn in a pay period. So, M’s cheque was only half of what she should have earned, and this means that M will come out of there with a whopping, oh I don’t know, hundred dollars? She’s ballin’!

So I took her down to her old Starbucks to get her pay stub but I mostly just wanted to buy some practically free mugs as presents and I needed her there to get that fat discount. B told me that M had actually already taken the bus to that Starbucks twice that day to get her pay stub but she forgot each time after she got gabbing to her old co-workers. Really? Twice? Don’t you walk out thinking, “There was something I was supposed to do…?”

We also went to cancel her car insurance because there is no way that her eight dollar payday loan will cover her car payment and her car insurance. She figured she could just cancel and be done with it but of course, there are fees that go along with canceling one’s insurance and so now she owes another two hundred to ICBC. Ch-ching! Now that she has canceled, and because her insurance has bounced before, M is no longer eligible to make monthly payments. She has to pay one lump sum (her insurance is now over 3 grand for a year due to her mishaps) for the entire year up front.

Another tid-bit of information before I bid you farewell: M used to have a blog. She actually had it all through high school and up until about last year. Now, my big mouth told someone who has a big mouth (B) and somehow the word spread to EVERYONE and so she took the blog down. I gotta say, it is a big, big shame that we don’t have M’s point of view on her life anymore, because it was priceless and much less accurate than my depiction.

Drama-rama!

The drama never ends, folks! Apparently, Starbucks has short-paid M by about half of her pay cheque and that means that she can’t afford to pay her car loan that comes out in a few days! They said that it was just a mix up and that they would add the balance that she is owed to her next cheque. Oh good, that’s the rent money!

I suggested that she just call CitiBank and try explaining the situation to them and that they might have a sympathetic ear and give her a few more days. She said that she read reviews about them online and apparently if you are a day late, they come repo your shit faster than you can say, “M’s a disaster.”

Hmm, I wonder what will happen when they come and collect everything only to realize that her shit does not equal even close to the amount she claimed it equals? Oh my god, do they repo my shit? How would they know? I will go postal on that bitch if my stuff is touched.

There's a problem.

Even when she’s not home, she still manages to drive me up the wall.

It never fails. When M cooks, the pots boil over – every time. I know this, because there is always a mess around the heating elements of the stove. I also know this because I am the person who always cleans them. As if you needed another reason, I also know this because when I turn the stove on, it always smells like the burning pasta she has dropped into the element.

Well, tonight, I decided to make myself a lovely dinner. Oddly enough, I started to smell burning. I lift up the pot I was using and notice pieces of spaghetti in the element slowly turning black. Isn’t that just grand! Then I see SMOKE billowing out of every other element on the stove. I frantically start pulling the elements that I wasn’t using out and peer inside to see if there is a fire. Nothing that I could tell, but the smoke was still coming. So with oven mitts on, I took out the element I was using and underneath was what I imagine hell looks like. Charred and black. What the hell IS it?

Guess who cleaned the shit up? You got it, ding ding! Me. I scrubbed for ages and it is still completely black. She’ll come home and not even realize anything has happened. That is until I bitch her out.

Oh, and if you are going to use ketchup as pasta sauce… BUY YOUR OWN FUCKING HEINZ, BITCH!

Damn

My old landlords e-mailed me to let me know that they have rented the suite to someone else. I actually e-mailed them last night and told them I was very interested but I just wanted to come by and look at it. Too late. I should have jumped on that shit while I could.

This is a dark day.

No More!

I picked M up from work today. She got off at the same time as me and it is only slightly out of my way, so I figured I should probably be nice to her if I’m going to bail on her and move to a new place. I know what you’re thinking! Well, two things: 1 - I have the ability to be nice? And 2 – No more roommate chronicles? Yeah, well, is my pain really worth your amusement? There comes a time when you just have to say, “no more!”

She really is so tiring to talk to. The drive home from her work is less than ten minutes, yet we still managed to have multiple awkward silences.

No Plan

B and I went to breakfast this morning but this time, J tagged along. She came into the restaurant fuming angry and sat down, “Did M go to work today?” To which I replied, “Um, well, I’m pretty sure she is still sleeping, so, no.”

“Well, She didn’t go yesterday either. She didn’t even call in. They called her and woke her up! She said she was sick and now she didn’t go today either!”

Uh ohs! I both love and hate it when shit like this happens. Wait a second, can you hear that? An adventure is just around the corner! J demands that we go to Starbucks and check if M is there. I’m always up for rubbing M’s mistakes in her face, so hell yes I’m up for it! We went, and of course, M is not there. We asked if M was in today and the lady told us that she wasn’t. B, always one to tip-toe around an awkward situation goes, “Yeah but she was supposed to show up, right?” Yes, friends, she was.

Well, that wasn’t enough for J. Nope, she wanted to go to my house and bitch M out. My pleasure! Off we go, J barges into M’s room and sits on her bed to give her a nice long lecture. J asked her why she didn’t go to work today and she said that she “didn’t have a plan” that would excuse her from missing work yesterday. Um, so she just didn’t go two days in a row? Now her “plan” has to be a little grander, dontcha think? JESUS.

So the hunt is on! For another place to live, I mean. I asked J nonchalantly if her and M were planning on moving in together – acting like it was common knowledge that they were. She told me that there was no way it was happening until June at the earliest – if ever.

You see, the landlords that used to own the house that I live in have contacted me and invited me to move into their new suite. I told them that I would prefer to live alone and they offered to knock a few hundred dollars off of the rent so that I could afford to do it. This is a pretty huge step and I definitely need to do some serious thinking about it! I mean, as bad as I would feel for leaving her high and dry, let us be frank, she brought this shit storm down on herself.

Oh yeah, and M got her hair done this weekend. She got it done at a spa and it cost over $200 for a cut and colour job. Why did she go there when it is so expensive? Oh, they’re the only people that can cut her bangs right.

Yep.

Woe is Me

I woke up at 4am this morning feeling a little parched so I ventured into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Much to my surprise, M’s door was open and she wasn’t home! Now, she was off at 11:30pm and according to my calculations, would have been home about 45 minutes to an hour later. I felt a glimmer of hope flash inside of me when I realized that she may have been kidnapped on her long walk home but that was all dashed when I woke up at 7am and saw her door closed.

I guess she made it home. Woe is me.

A Single Tear

Today, M starts at her new Starbucks location. She worked at the first one for a month, and now she has to go to this location for a month because there are no places she can go permanently yet. This is one of the locations that we visited yesterday in our world tour of Starbucks. Yes, she awkwardly introduced herself and told everyone she would be starting tomorrow. They all probably shed a single tear in anticipation.

She is dreading working there because the place has a bad rep for stealing. Oh, and there is no bus that goes there so she has to walk. The walk is about 45 minutes and you bet your buns there will be snow and rain! Hehehe, I love it!

Update: M told me that she cried for a long time at work today. In front of everyone. She said that “everything is just so different, they want me to do everything differently!” Who does that!? Great first impression.

Eight Shot Americano

Today, M served a purpose! I wanted to get an espresso machine, and with her 40% discount and the machines being on sale, there wasn’t going to be a better time. We got up nice and early and the three of us (B, M and I) went to the Starbucks she has worked at for the last month. She insisted that we go there, and not to the one just down the street, because she had made bonds there and wants to help them improve their merchandise sales.

Well, two things. One, they acted like they barely knew her. Two, we waited for over a fucking HOUR to get the shit I wanted and then they didn’t even have the grinder! It was ridiculous. They kept forgetting about us. Clearly she has no pull when it comes to getting service - perhaps this stems from the fact that they probably find her annoying and wonder why the hell she keeps coming back to that store even though she lives 20 minutes away.

So, did you ever get that grinder you wanted, SS? Ah, yes I did! After going to FOUR different Starbucks stores, we finally found one that had it. That is ABSURD, Starbucks. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Anyway, naturally, M got a drink at 3 of the 4 stores that we went to. She got a latte, a 4 shot Americano and then an 8 shot Americano. And she is still supposed to go out with her bff J later! Oh, and at one of the Starbucks stores we went to, a Chapters was attached, so she had to go buy a $15 VW magazine. YOU ARE POOR! STOP BUYING THINGS!

At some point during the day, she asked me if I would go to her mom’s place so that she can pick up some money that her mom owes her. I asked where she lives and she gave me a landmark in the area, “just park by that building.” She refused to tell us where her mom lives. I asked her who the fuck she thinks we are going to tell, the feds? No one gives a shit where your mom is and she is doing a shitty fuckin’ job hiding from the government when she is getting her mail delivered to the house she’s renting. M said that she is supposed to tell everyone that her mom is in Toronto. Right. I guess she figures that when the FBI comes to interrogate and torture us for that valuable information about her slag of a mom, we won’t have anything to give up. Anyway, when she got back in the car, she tried to tell us a story about her stupid fucking cat, to which I yelled “BORING” and so she stopped. Then I asked her to continue with the story, but I yelled “BORING” again and so she refused. Thank fuckin’ god.

Oh, and on the drive to one of the stores, B told M that she should really start her car up, since it has been sitting for a month. M told her that she isn’t going to bother because it is going to be all “broken and shitty” anyway and she is just going to sell it. B asked her why and she said that selling it will be easier than starting it. This is a real human being, folks. She really exists. I can’t believe it myself sometimes.

Dipstick

So, since there has really been no news to report as of late, I was trying to think of something to write when it dawned on me that I didn’t even explain how she broke the dipstick like a month ago! If you don’t recall this event, M texted S and asked him if it is ok to drive without a dipstick because she broke hers. I couldn’t figure out how she snapped the dipstick because it seems pretty damn difficult unless you are doing it intentionally, but awhile ago, she explained the whole thing to me.

It turns out that she was going to go for a trip to the big city and she thought that she ought to check her oil first. So she tries to pull the dipstick out but it doesn’t budge. She pulled as hard as she could. Then she anchored her foot against the car and pulled even harder. Eventually, the entire thing that the top of the dipstick screws into, broke off. I asked her, “Did you try turning it first?” No, she didn’t. So the entire casing just snapped off with the dipstick still screwed into it.

She took the car to her “mechanic” and to the VW dealership and both of them basically told her, “Um, those don’t break.” And “Yeeeaaah, we don’t sell those.” So, she just drives with the dipstick sort of resting in place. Oil gets all over the engine and the hood of the car but oh well, it is stationary for the next 4 months!