Burden

Not much to tell you. She hasn’t been extremely annoying, just mildly so. She also works so often that I pretty much never have to see her. Oh, we did go for breakfast this weekend and I ended up calling her “my burden” right in front of her. She seemed offended. Whatev, everyone else thought it was funny and that’s what counts.

Sad Clown

M “thinks licenses are overrated” and “doesn’t care what the law says.” She has informed me that if her appeal gets denied, that she will drive her car anyway. Yep. She’s going to be in jail. Looks like 2009 is going to be a doozey!

She has tonight off! It’s like the only Friday night she has had off, and will ever have off but we’re all going out to a concert and she isn’t. Aww, sad clown! Even her bestest buddy ever, S’s sister, is going to be at this show. Sucks to be a loser, I guess.

Dinner?

M is on a cooking kick! Tonight, she made spaghetti. She didn’t have any pasta sauce though so she decided to make her own. The ingredients? Italian salad dressing, ketchup, and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese.

Anyone want to come over for dinner?

Kraft Dinner

Tonight, M made Kraft Dinner.

I know what you’re thinking. This is news? The girl comes from a low income family, surely she has made plenty of boxes of Kraft Dinner (Macaroni and Cheese for anyone in the USA) in her life time and she must be a seasoned pro. At least, this is what I thought.

I came out of my room to see her measuring out 6 cups of water and putting them into a pot. Naturally, I made fun of her, because who measures the water when they are making KD? She told me that she found a box of KD that she bought when we moved in, and that it had expired (who knew KD expired?) but it was either that or jam for dinner.

Anyway, I went back into my room to grab something and when I came out, she asked if she could use some of my milk. Of course, roomie! So she takes the carton of milk, and pours some into the pot… where the water is… that isn’t even boiling yet. I said, “What, the fuck, are you doing?”
“It makes it creamier! I do it with my Sidekicks all the time.”
“Um, M. Sidekicks REDUCE. You fucking strain Kraft Dinner. That milk will just go down the sink.”
“Oh… so you put the cheese in after you strain the noodles?”
“YES!!!”
“I wasn’t going to do that…”

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

Dumb Fuck

This morning, I woke up and got my shampoo out and everything ready for my shower. What does M do? She gets up and immediately walks into the bathroom and starts having her shower. FURIOUS. Either she noticed none of my shit out, or she is a fucking bitch. Either way, she is a dumb fuck.

Also, I told her that whatever is in the sour cream container that has been in the fridge for that last EON has likely expired. She looked puzzled, so I showed her the container, to which she said, “That’s not mine!” UM, YES, ACTUALLY, IT IS.

The container was filled with left over nasty food. She took it from her grandparent’s house and placed it in our fridge. There it sat for at least a month. She saw it every day for a month, and every day she thought to herself, “That’s not mine”??? Did she completely block it out of her memory? I just. don’t. get. it.

Once she gets a taste…

M drinks so much coffee/latte/mocha shit now that she works at Starbucks that she is pretty much constantly on this INSANE high. She runs around the house, she jumps around the house, she talks at a lightning speed, and is just in general, extremely annoying.

She told me that she simply HAS to illegally drive her car for two days next week because of the way her shifts go. She has to work and do training on the same day, and the bus doesn’t work out for her time-wise.

Man, if she doesn’t get stopped by the cops, then she’s going to go back to feeling invincible. She is addicted to fucking up. Once she gets a taste…

New Job, New Body

She came home at 10:40 tonight, just as I was heading to bed. I said goodnight to her and she told me that she was going to go exercise. I stared at her, somewhat dumbfounded. M doesn’t exercise. I told her to go sit on her computer and play solitaire like she usually does but apparently she went out for a jog.

I guess she thinks she’s going to finally turn her life around. New job, new body? That’ll last one day.

One thing that I am having trouble getting used to is her random schedule. I don’t know if she will be home when I get home, and therefore I pretty much always dread the moment I open the door to the house. So far so good though, she is rarely home

Yay!

M’s Facebook status: “Just when I thought things were going too good!”

You know what this means, folks! Another disaster has arrived. Last night she told me that was served papers informing her that her license is now suspended. She was actually tracked down and served and had to sign for the notice. This is how I heard the news, via Blackberry Messenger:

M: Hey friendo. If I email you a letter tomorrow can you print it out for me at work tomorrow? It is super urgent. ICBC suspended my license as of now, I’ve been served. So I need to appeal it as soon as possible as I am once again driving illegally. Argh, so frustrating! I’m not that bad of a driver, god! Lol

SS: Haha. Yes I can. I told you they would suspend you, it just takes time.

M: So fuckin stupid. There are people who’ve had more than 1 accident and 2
tickets. One of which for not having a stupid “N” (new driver’s sign) on my car! Hardly worth suspension. I’m worried they will seize my car because I had to sign for the letter and am supposed to surrender my plates at 9am.

SS: Whoaz.

M: Stuff like this always happens when I try and be happy. People wonder why I am so morbid and unhappy, well, this is why. Happiness is dangerous! Lol

I’m going to write a convincing letter so hopefully I’ll just be on probation. I’m gonna say I need to drive for work bank deposits etc and also that I learned my lesson in August! I’m havin’ like a heart attack right now!
Then I, as usual, burst her little bubble:

SS: My brother tried appealing his suspension before and he even had a pregnant girlfriend at the time and they still didn’t accept his appeal. So, I don’t know if bank deposits are going to convince them. Good luck!

M: Oh. Well that is not helping my lack of oxygen at the moment. Well… thanks. I will try and think of a persuasive letter.

Apparently she actually has to surrender her plates. I find this a little bit odd though, since insurance and licensing are two separate things and just because you have no license, doesn’t mean you can’t have a car insured in your name, does it? I mean, someone else could be using her car to drive her to work. I think she is probably just a high risk since obviously having no insurance on a car doesn’t stop her from driving it! She’s a plate switchin’ lunatic.

I guess she’ll be taking the loser-cruiser to her sweet new dead-end job at the ‘bucks!

Juicy Tidbits

I haven’t really spoken to M in the last few days but B has and she has just informed me of a few juicy tidbits I must share.

1. M hit B with her car. Yes, B was walking around the back of M’s car when she was parked in the driveway and M backed into her! B is actually bruised from the event, so it wasn’t just a simply love tap.

2. B commented on the new purse that she got, saying something like, “Wow, your new job must be going well if you can buy a nice purse like that!” to which M said something like, “Actually no, I am thinking of filing for bankruptcy.”

3. B has let me know that someone who has been driving standard for as long as M has been should definitely NOT be driving as poorly as M still is. The lag when she shifts is seriously enough to make you car sick.

Gross.

Ohhh! Not much news today other than the fact that M bought herself a new tooth brush! It is way too big to fit in our toothbrush holder as usual so it is strategically balancing on it and will be for many months until she gets a new one.

Why is this news-worthy? Well, because the last time she got a new one was 3 months ago. She uses her tooth brush until it is spread wider than her legs. She actually went to the dentist for the first time since she was a kid a few years ago and he told her that she needs gum surgery because she brushes her teeth so hard. He said that she has literally brushed away her gums.

Grrrrrooooossssss!

Bets?

M’s Facebook status proudly boasted that she is “starting a new life today.” Today happens to be her first day at her new Starbucks job! This is great news for me because she gets 30% off and you bet your buns that I will be using that to my advantage.

Shall we take bets? Is this actually going to be the turn around point for M? Only time will tell.

Whoa, whoa, whoa

HAAAAAALLELUJAH! The iced tea is in the sink! Let me just scroll up and see how long that bad boy has been in existence for: 12 solid days of fermentation! Absolutely delicious.

Tonight, M and I went for dinner and a movie. I know, why do I hang out with her when I hate her so much? Well, we used to hang out a lot more than we do now, and so after being apart from her for so long, one kind of forgets how ridiculous she can be.

The movie was at 7pm and she came to pick me up at 6pm. Let me just spell it out for you that one hour of time is not enough to drive to a restaurant, wait to be seated on a Saturday night, eat, pay, drive to the movies, buy a ticket, etc. So, I was already a little pissed that she picked me up so late.

Anyway, to make a long story a bit shorter, I will skim over all of the insanely boring and awkward dinner conversation and get to the good part. We get in the car and M is backing out of her parking stall. You know how when you back out, and then you pull forward to either the left or right, sometimes it is a little tight and you have to back up again to avoid hitting the car that was parked beside you? Well, that happened but it went down a little differently than it would for say, you or I. I started yelling, “Whoa whoa whoa, you’re gonna hit that truck!” And then she stopped – phewf, just in time! So she puts it in reverse to give herself a little more space, but we were on a hill, and she is in a standard, so of course, we rolled into the truck. I said, “Holy shit, you just hit that truck” and she goes, “No, I didn’t!!” wtf. “M, I saw it fucking shake. You just hit it.” And so she backed up again and went on her merry way. When we drove by, I didn’t see any damage to the truck but still, man. She hit a parked vehicle.

The reason she was so late picking me up for dinner was because she was out shopping for black and white clothing, of course! She bought herself a very nice Guess bag which was $100 and a pair of shoes which were also $100. Don’t worry though, if you buy a pair of shoes and a bag, then you get 30% off of your purchase! I mean, who would pass that up??

Oh yeah, and her driving makes me car sick. The lag between each shift lasts like 30 minutes. Whip-lash.

Hodge Podge

I am sorry to say that there is not a whole lot to report for two reasons. 1. I have been deathly ill. 2. She has been… dare I say… happy. This saddens me so. It is so weird when things actually go well for her! Here is a hodge podge of news:

She received some stuff from Starbucks in the mail. The package was about company policy, information about the coffee, and dress code type stuff. It turns out that she can only wear black and white! That means that her big shopping spree of “Starbucks coloured clothing” was all for naught.

The iced tea is still in the fridge, by the way. Along with the grapes and beans that she bought oh so long ago. The grapes are turning into raisins. Dear god. Oh, and she ate yogurt slathered perogies at 8am two times this week. Gross.

And another wee tid bit: She excitedly told me and B about how she was parked in a parking garage downtown and when she was leaving, she backed into a pole so now there is yellow paint on her bumper. It’s just bizarre the way she tells these stories like she is actually thrilled that the event happened.

Mmm

I would love to give you an update about what has been happening with M today but she has been sleeping since 6am, and it is 10 pm now. That is 16 hours, folks.

One thing I can tell you is that her iced tea concoction is still sitting in the fridge. Mmmm.

Band Rehearsal

I don’t know how the hell M slept through our full band rehearsal for Guitar Hero: World Tour but she managed somehow!

Today I got a juicy tidbit from S on the M front. He said that his sister is claiming her and M are moving out together in January. Apparently they plan to have a bar and every pay day they will buy one bottle of liquor for the bar. That sounds like a great investment of funds! If these two messes lived together, I think that would make their combined debt around $30,000. No exaggeration.

Out Of the Norm

This entry is a little different than the ones before it because I actually have positive words to say about M! Today, I was very sick, and I asked her to bring me home ice cream when she got the chance and she did!

Normally, I would just pretend this didn’t happen and not write about it but I figured since I am always ragging on her, I should mention the good things she does too!

Annoying

M got up at 6pm this evening. She is always extremely excited to tell me how long she slept for. I don’t know if she is proud of it or what but if I slept that long I would be going to a doctor, not advertising it on Facebook. The first thing she said when she came out of her room was, “I went to bed at 11pm last night! That’s 19 hours of sleep!” This is just one day after her 26 hour sleep-a-thon. This might be a Guinness world record. I should check that out!

So she gets up at 6pm, which is when I make dinner, and promptly starts pulling things out of the fridge to “cook” (microwave). She insists on cooking whenever I am cooking. Which means that each of us has to cower in our own little section of counter space and it throws a wrench in my very well thought out dinner plans. I am a very organized person and M is not. Every once in awhile though, she doesn’t make dinner at the same time, she will wait for me to be done. What she does in those instances though, is hover around me in the kitchen and chat. This is good for you (because it is usually when she tells me all about her never ending problems) but bad for me because it is, well… annoying.

So this evening I got to hear about a few things for your reading pleasure!

1. M officially quit her day job at the printing place. She went in today and gave them her final notice and told them that she wasn’t coming back after her “mental health leave.”

2. M intends on giving her two weeks notice at the gas station tonight. We are back down to her having one job! Does her Starbucks job count when she hasn’t even worked a shift yet?

3. M canceled her insurance on the original car that she got into an accident in. This means that she also canceled the plates that she was illegally using on the champagne shitbox that she almost got arrested for driving. She was so very excited to tell me the story:

She said:
I went up to the counter and told the man, “I need to cancel my insurance.”
“Where is the vehicle now?” he asked.
“It is no longer on the road.”
“What happened to it?”
She then made the motion of something being crushed by her hands and said, “Accident” while shrugging.
“Oh… where are the plates?”
“Well, I don’t have them. I know there is a fee for that, I will just pay it.”
“Oh, you live close by (he checked her driver’s license) so you can just go get them.”
“Actually, they are not at my house.”
“Oh… well, where are they?”
“They are um… on another vehicle.”
“…I am going to pretend that I didn’t hear that.”

YEAH. She actually told the guy she is illegally using those plates on another vehicle. What an idiot. Then she apparently wasn’t charged for any of her tickets! Normally when you cancel or renew insurance, you have to pay off all the previous tickets, but for some reason they didn’t show up.

Well, at least she is trying to take a step in the right direction?

That Was That

I left the house this morning and saw that M actually drank ¼ of her iced tea. Gross.

I received a msg from S informing me that M sent him a text saying, “I broke the dipstick on my car accidentally. Is it still ok to drive?” S didn’t respond. Let us pause here for a moment. How does one break a dipstick accidentally? I think those bad boys would need to be very much intentionally stricken against the ground in order to snap. What on earth was she doing with it???

Anyway, S didn’t reply to her. So she sent him another text, “Fine. Don’t talk to me then. I don’t understand why everyone hates me.” To which he replied with a simple, “Shut the fuck up.” And he received, “Why are you mad at me?” That was the end of that exchange!

When I got home from work, she was lying in bed and I asked her if she had a good day off. She said she didn’t sleep at all last night and that she went downtown today and the only thing worth retelling about her story is that when she got back into her car, she closed the door but it wouldn’t latch. So she opened it again and realized that the entire locking and latching mechanism had fallen out and landed on the ground. She shoved it back in and that was that! Good as new.

The Results Are In

Alright everyone, get your tickets out, it is time to find out how long M slept for! Drum roll please…

A whopping 26 hours!!!

She woke up at 9pm tonight and immediately informed me that she had slept for 26 hours straight. I asked if she got up to go to the bathroom or eat or, I don’t know, stretch? She said that she woke up twice but did not get out of bed, she just looked at the clock and rolled over to go back to sleep. Is this physically possible? When I tell people, no one believes me! She even said that her back was in serious pain due to her ikea mattress that cost 90 dollars and is about 2 inches thick. They actually sell it as a mattress topper but she decided that it was good enough to be her entire bed set.

So what did she do when she woke up? She decided to make a delicious and nutritious concoction! First, she decided to make perogies and green beans. So she put frozen perogies on the same plate as fresh green beans and pops them in the microwave. You would think those two things might require different cooking times, no? I guess we shouldn’t trouble ourselves with the little things in life! So she pops out her clearly overcooked green beans and perogies and smears strawberry yogurt all over them. Gag.

What is a scrumptious meal without a refreshing beverage? M decided to make iced tea. How, you ask? She filled a very large glass with water, plopped in two tea bags and put it in the freezer. Iced. Tea. This IS rocket science! The tea bags froze, so when she went to squeeze all the flavour of them, they snapped and all the tea leaves fell to the bottom of the glass. She then moved it to the fridge after I told her that iced tea is not frozen, it is just cold. It really looks disgusting and I can’t imagine it tasting any better than it looks.

I Did Something to My Car

I got home from work today to see M looking rather gloomy in her room. I asked her how she was and she sort of groaned. I felt bad news coming. I was praying she wasn’t going to tell me she was moving out – I want to be the one to say that! Luckily, all she told me was that she hasn’t slept in 30 hours because she had to take J to the mechanics to get her car fixed and they both worked graveyard last night. She was loopy as hell.

She did tell me a fun story about her car though!
“I did something to my car.”
“Um, what do you mean?”
“Well, I was driving and some asshole came in front of me and cut me off! I had to slam on the brakes but I didn’t have time to downshift so I just threw it in neutral! Then I heard what sounded like grinding and exploding! Now my clutch isn’t catching properly and every gear I try to go into is hard, it feels sticky.”

Grrreat. I can’t wait until this thing explodes with her in it.

She went to bed at about 7pm tonight so I am excited to see how long she stays sleeping for! My guess is definitely over 24 hours. We will likely see her again sometime late Wednesday. It’s like a baby’s delivery date, any bets?

Woo!

Glory, glory, hallelujah! I haven’t seen M since Thursday! And that concludes today’s post. I’m off to go skip around the block humming happy songs.

Starbucks Green!

Some people live their life eating healthy all the time. Some people go in little bursts of buying all healthy food one grocery trip and then back to Doritos the next time. Then there are people who just never eat healthy food, ever. I know what you’re thinking! You think I’m about to go into a big long spiel about how M shoves ranch flavoured Doritos dipped in chocolate icing down her pie-hole day after day. You’d be wrong though, because M fits into that middle category. Sometimes, she feels like bettering herself by buying green beans!

This last grocery trip was one of those health-kick trips. She bought two small yogurt cups, 4 packs of pre-sliced individually packaged apples, 1 litre of kiwi apple juice, and a gigantic bag of fresh green beans. Those pre-packaged apples are so much more expensive than regular apples. Their mere presence in the fridge pisses me off. Who on God’s green earth (parents aside) would buy these things? And of all vegetables, why did you choose a gigantic pack of green beans? Why not some mixed vegetables? A little variety?

She came home from what looked like a shopping spree. She had bags and bags of stuff from clothing stores. I assume she had to get a full on new wardrobe for Starbucks! Not that they have to wear uniforms or anything. She didn’t tell me what she bought, and I didn’t ask, but she did show me her new “Starbucks green scarf!” that she just HAD to get. Then she came to sit with me as I was watching T.V. She drank approximately 3 sips of her kiwi beverage and then put it back in the fridge. She also complained that she should “never buy healthy food again because you actually have to cook it.” Then she ate a pizza pop.

In other news, her co-worker and S’s sister, J has decided to use the “credit” that M has at the mechanic/chop shop that ripped her off. I guess they told her that they would do a repair for her free and since M claims she needs nothing done, she is letting J use it. Now, J is an idiot for using this credit. Doesn’t she know how badly they screwed up well, everything in the past? She does know, people. She told M once that she was going to go down there herself and scream at them to give M her money back for the Shitbox. Now she is accepting the faulty repairs.

These two should get married. At least as lesbians they wouldn’t be able to procreate.

Theres a Hole In My Basket

Hark the herald angels sing! M has gotten a job! Yes, Starbucks actually decided that she would benefit their “team’! I am as shocked as you. It just must have been those Hallmark cards that she mailed out to them after her interview.

She told me the great news via text message. Apparently she starts training in about 2 weeks. I congratulated her, of course, but I didn’t ask any questions. I really hate showing interest in her because I fear she might regard that as friendship.

M has described Starbucks as “putting all her eggs in one basket.” I just don’t get it. This job was the be all and end all for her. She felt that if only she could get this job (which pays about 3 dollars more an hour than her previous day job), everything will be fine! She sees being a Starbucks barista as a career. These are her words.

M works at a gas station and Starbucks. What do these two things have in common? Besides hiring skids like M, they also both happen to be, as I consider them, pit stops of life. These are two places that people go when they are on their way to their real job. People aren’t supposed to be at these pit stops long term. There is a reason that gas station attendants and coffee baristas are often young and work part time. They are students. These people are working towards something other than being full-time manager of Petro-Canada.

Have SOME ambition, M.

Election Day!

Can you smell it in the air? It’s election* day! Sorry, what? You don’t care either? Well, that makes two of us. M, on the other hand, is extremely excited. She claims this is one of the few days she looks forward to! She got off work at 7am this morning and promptly went to cast her vote for the next Prime Minister. Yes, believe it or not, M stayed conscious long enough to go down to our local elementary school and let her opinion be heard.

She sent me a text asking if I went to vote today. I told her that no, I had not. She was appalled. I explained to her that I do not have a proof of address and therefore, cannot vote. I will be honest, if I could have pulled off going to vote completely seamlessly, I would have. But, due to my living arrangements, I do not have a proof of address – all my mail gets sent to work. I know in my heart that if I truly wanted to go vote badly enough, I probably could have - with much explaining and paper work - but let me be frank, I don’t care that much.

I don’t understand how M can care so much about her country but so little about every other thing in her life. She grilled me endlessly about why I am not voting and simply wouldn’t let up about how my vote matters. I have only ever seen her get this passionate when she is talking about her bitch of a cat that stays at her mom’s. I guess the two things that light M’s fire are cats and government.

M and S’s sister J came by this evening and huddled up on the couch to watch the election results. They were like two little kids watching the Macy’s Day Parade. Bright eyed and bushy-tailed, they watched the numbers for the parties go up and up and up – and then J gets a phone call. It’s B, and she’s had another medical mishap and needs a ride to the hospital. Since this blog isn’t about B’s regular trips to the hospital, I won’t go into details about the event but it is important to know that she went to the hospital because…

I went back home to grab a change of clothes and head back to the hospital to see B. When I got home, M asked me if I have a discman, to which I replied, “Um… I don’t think so.” I definitely do have a discman but it has no batteries and is buried in my closet somewhere – plus, I am in a rush trying to get back to the hospital so questions about portable fucking music players are not the first thing I want to be answering. I ask why she wanted to know and she told me that she is making B a cd of songs so that she can listen to them as she snuggles in to go to sleep. This is a very thoughtful and kind gesture, but you should know that the songs M was putting on this cd were the furthest things from “soothing.” We have some ac/dc, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, and B’s favourite song of the moment, Let it Rock.

I skipped ahead of myself a little there. Since B was not really in any condition to stay at her place alone, we decided that she should spend the night at mine. The good thing is, M was working a graveyard shift that night, so her room was vacant. Only problem is, B absolutely refused to sleep in M’s bed. I don’t blame her. As soon as the idea came up that she could sleep there, I knew she’d be horrified. M’s room smells so strongly of hair spray and mold that I try to be in there for a maximum of three minutes before leaving. Also, she has not vacuumed her room since we moved in, which was 1 year ago.

*Please note that yes, I know that today is not actually election day but this was written on that day, I’m just a little late posting it. :D

Um.

This evening, us 3 gals (B, M, and I) went to see S’s hockey game. B and I went together but M ventured in on her own, since no one actually invited her. Whatever. I forgot something in the car and when I got back into the arena, B and M were clearly talking about something big. B kept making eyes at me like, “You won’t believe this!” and she kept trying to get M to repeat it while I was there but she absolutely wouldn’t, so I guess I am not supposed to know!

Well, naturally, B told me. I get a text from B saying the following:
“She’s suicidal and her work called her grandparents to tell them. Oh and she’s on a mental health break.”

Wow. Another day, another drama.

After the game, I got B to go into more detail and the story is that she went into her day job on Monday to inform them that she wants to quit. Her boss asked why and she told him that “working here makes me suicidal, I want to kill myself.” Um. Way to be up front about it! So he told her that she needs to take 2 weeks of mental health leave before she quits.

Then, concerned for her life, they called her grandparents (the emergency contact) to inform them that she has essentially threatened to kill herself. So her grandparents of course called her and asked what was up! I have no idea what she said to them in response but she did tell B that the planned family dinner this weekend was going to be a tad awkward!

B asked her if she actually was suicidal and she answered, “Only when I’m at work.”

I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP, PEOPLE.

But, It’s Shiny

Tonight, I heard a knock on our door and I came out of my room to answer it but M had beaten me to the punch. It was the little girl from upstairs and she had mail for M. It was Citibank, the people that gave M her $8,000 loan for her car. I was pretty much expecting it to be your run of the mill statement but I was hoping it was a letter saying she was getting all of her shit repo’d. Much to my surprise, it was neither!

So what was it? A credit card! Yep. They gave her a credit card with a $1500 limit in addition to her $8,000 loan. They must see her as pure dollar signs.

I immediately grabbed a pair of scissors and handed them to her, “M. Cut that in half right now.”
“But, it’s shiny.”
“Seriously, you have to cut it up.”
“Noooo… I’m gonna keep it!”

Well, that’ll be maxed out by Sunday.

Seriously

Today is M’s first official day of her vacation! Woo! I just went home for lunch and guess who is still sleeping? I guess the next two weeks will be full of wonderful slumber filled days for M. Don’t you wish we were so lucky? No cares in the world!

Well, I decided to burst that bubble and wake her up because I just HAD to tell her about the mechanic I spoke to about her window. I told her all about how he thought the price she paid was ridiculous and they could have done it for less than half, potentially. Her response? “Yeah, and they probably wouldn’t leave two big scratches in my door.”

What an idiot. Seriously. I went and looked at her door after and I couldn’t see any scratches but I did see duct tape residue all over everything. I wonder if that’s what she is talking about? If she thinks that duct tape goo is a scratch, I am gonna flip a lid.

SEVENTEEN-FIFTY!?

M got her window fixed today! She got up bright and early (before I was even up!) and took her car down to the crooked repair shop that she got her champagne shitbox from. They screwed her over on that car but she is still taking her new one to the same place. God. So, she tells me when she gets home that she got her car fixed for free! She boasts about how getting the window fixed would have cost her 1750 dollars but the shop guy told her that he would accept the champagne shitbox back as payment. So she actually saved money! Now, I know what you’re thinking. She traded a car for the ability to make her window go up and down? Yes, she did.

This is so infuriating. She actually accepted what they told her. A window regulator costs 1750? Give me a break!!! I am calling an auto shop RIGHT NOW. Ok. I just called the place that I got my car fixed at and he told me he would call me back to give me a price. I then explained to him that it is actually my friend’s car and she got it fixed elsewhere but that I was trying to prove to her that the price she paid was ridiculous. He asked me how much she paid and I told him 1750. He was SHOCKED. “SEVENTEEN-FIFTY!?! The dealer wouldn’t even charge that much!” He is calling me back with a quotation.

*update: Ok, he called me back and said this much. He said that the motor of the power window would be 500 dollars but that it is extremely unlikely that the motor would fail because they simply don’t fail. He said the absolute worst case scenario (if every single thing inside the door that controlled the window failed, which is unlikely), it would cost $1000 including labor. He said that more likely, it would be 300-500 dollars.

Anyway, after she dropped her car off at that place to get fixed, she took a cab to her day job to tell them that she wants to quit. Well, according to her, her boss wouldn’t let her quit. He told her to take the day off (wtf, she’s had like ten days off) and think about it. So, because she was too cheap to pay a cab again, she walked 36 blocks home. Then later she took another cab to the shady shop she got her car done at. 32 dollars in cab fair today. We have buses, you know.

She texted me and told me that she is on vacation for 2 weeks. I wrote back, “Um, you’re not on vacation, you’re unemployed.” She told that she still has her day job but she is taking two weeks off. And I asked her why she needed a vacation when she doesn’t go to work anyway. This is the rest of the convo that I ended up saving:

M: I am on vacay cuz I’m waiting to hear back from Starbucks. So if I get it, I can quit, and if not, well I had a nice vacation and then I can go back.
SS: Paid vacation?
M: I am still working at the gas station though. I have all graveyards for the next two weeks. And no, not paid vacation but it wasn’t optional, lol. At least I have something to back to if Starbucks doesn’t work out. (Please note that later on I asked her if she works tonight and she said, “No, not until Thursday.” So when she says “I have all graveyards for the next two weeks,” she doesn’t mean every night. She means ONE.)
SS: I don’t understand the point of you getting a second job at the gas station. Why didn’t you just work during the day at one job? You have made far less money since getting a second job.
And then she walked in the door, so she had to awkwardly answer that question in person, rather than in text. What she said was something like,
“I realized that I am not the type of person that is able to work two jobs.”

SUCCESS FOR ME.
FAILURE FOR M!

Remember back when she sent that long e-mail to S. Let me just quote it! Oh my god, I am giddy right now. She said,

“And if it does all go horribly wrong, well then everyone can say "I told you so" and I'll say "you were right". But it won't go wrong; I am going to make those payments, pay it off early ideally, and all is well.”
Guess what! I TOLD YOU SO! Stupid cow.

Montreal Bound

Today, I looked at M’s car window to see the bag she taped on and laugh. Well, it is even worse than I expected. She taped a clear plastic bag with duct tape. That seems like a normal quick-fix and I would have done the same. What I wouldn’t have done though, was put the duct tape all over my shiny black paint on the car door. I am serious, folks. There was at least two feet of tape making contact with the paint of the car. I peeled back one corner of the tape and sure enough, paint was stuck to it. And so it sits, baking in the sun.

S informed me that M told him that she is looking for her own place. This is fucking absurd, ok? You don’t even want to know how angry this makes me. First of all, I make nearly double what she made at her day job and I can barely afford to live without a room mate. Second of all, M owns nothing but the things in her bedroom. The plates, forks, couches, toasters, towels, tooth brush holder, pots, pans – EVERYTHING is mine! Third of all, I have NO debt and she has thousands and thousands of dollars worth.

She also told S that she is going in on Monday to quit her day job. So that means she now has a part time job only. At a gas station. So depressing.
And she told him that the Starbucks interview went well, in her opinion. She sent the interviewers a hallmark card in the mail. I’m sure they’ll get it well after they have made their decision not to hire her ass. But she did say that if she gets the job, she is going to ask to be transferred to Montreal.

Oh, my, god. Good riddance. I will personally pack every belonging of hers. I will drive her to the airport and walk her onto that plane. Montreal, I am sorry.

Parasites

Last night, M got smashed at the birthday party we attended. I only went to the pre-party and she was already pretty tipsy by the time I left so I can imagine how drunk she got as the night progressed. M is not an angry drunk or a slutty drunk, she is a loud-falling-over-drink-spilling-annoying-drunk. She falls off her chair laughing hysterically and needs help walking to and from places. I have driven her home before and she will open the car door when we park and just let herself fall out onto the pavement.

Well, M got sloppy drunk like that last night! But this time, she drove herself home! She is dangerous enough on the road with a sober and clear head. Knowing her, she will take out a bus full of school children that were on their way to an AIDS curing convention and she’d still make it out unscathed.

S had a hockey game that we all ended up going to this afternoon. When we came out, it was pissing rain and we all noticed that M’s passenger side window had completely fallen in! This shit only happens to her.

Now, if that was my car, and it was pouring rain, I would immediately get in my car and drive to the nearest place that sells garbage bags to cover it up. What does M do? She walks around the parking lot talking to various people, just shootin’ the shit, making lunch plans, etc

M has a new friend! Her name is Sarah and she has been a part of our group of friends for awhile. She was the girlfriend of one of the guys on the hockey team until about a week ago. This girl is very bitter about the break up, so she is desperate to stay in the group. She has decided to do this by befriending the only other person who longs to be involved, M! When B and I came to my place after the game, Sarah and M were lazing about on the couch wearing pjs and eating pizza. Sarah’s clothes were all over the bathroom, her make up spread over the counter, and a wet towel all bunched up on the floor. She showered at my fucking house.

This is not cool. Fucking parasites. She is only friends with M because she is lonely and doesn’t drive. She needs someone dumb enough to come pick her up 20 minutes away at a whim. I don’t understand what these two people talk about. They are SO INEPT. I’m sure they spend their time boo-hooing about how everyone ignores their phone calls.

Believe It or Not

Today, M did not get up for work. I did see via Facebook that she was up at 8am, commenting on various photos and updating her status, but she did not actually go into work. At least not on time. I’m sure I’ll see her when I go home for lunch though!

Could you imagine going into work after missing two days in a row without even calling them? I don’t think I could bring myself to do it. She has to feel some sort of shame, right?

Tonight, we are both supposed to be attending a birthday party together. Super duper fun!

Update: M no longer works at her day job. I found this out thanks to facebook. Now, I wonder if she got fired, if she quit, or if she just stopped going and everyone is just assuming she doesn’t work there anymore. Either way, she can spend all day lazing about in bed now! Until she doesn’t have a bed anymore and she has to spend all day lazing about in her new home – her car.

CHA-CHING

Annnnnnnd M slept in this morning! She is probably still sleeping, actually. I am true to my word though, and I did not make any effort to wake her. She has big “career plans” as a barista at Starbucks anyway. She don’t need no stinkin’ job! Oh but she did just tack 900 dollars onto her debt yesterday.

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHY ISN’T SHE WORKING!?!?!?!?!

THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS.

Update: M was still asleep when I went home for lunch at around 1:30 but she was up when I got home at 4:30. I tried not to talk to her but she was so damn chipper! I guess a full night and a day worth of sleep will do that to a person! She is headed off to work a 6-11pm shift at the gas station. I like how she was supposed to have worked a 13 hour work day but only ended up working a 5. CHA-CHING! The dollaz are just rollin’ in.

Another Run In

Guess what!? If you guessed that M didn’t go to work today then you just won yourself a brand new room mate! Seriously, come fucking take her.

No worky today! This time though, it was because she had a job interview. Yes, the famed Starbucks job interview she has been blabbing about for at least a week now. The interview is from 12-2pm. That’s major! Why is Starbucks so crazy about this shit? You’re making lattes, people.

She also informed me that the shitbox got towed today. Not by her, but by the police! Yep. She left the car sitting there for so long that the cops came back and got it towed. I mean, seriously, they told her that legally they are able to arrest her but even that didn’t light a fire under her ass to get that thing off the road.

The police are charging her 300 dollars for the towing fee and issuing a 600 dollar fine for parking the box on a public street with no insurance.

And how did the interview go? I don’t give a shit.

Smart-Car-For-A-Day

Today, my car needed to go in for repairs and I was gifted with a Smart car as a loaner! I was so excited that I just HAD to show everyone I know. So, I did, but then everyone had things to do and that left me and my smart car all alone. In a momentary lapse of judgment, I called M and told her that she had to come drive around in my smart car with me. She said that she would love to but she wouldn’t be able to until 9pm. I said that was fine and I would see her later.

Then I got home and I realized that… I don’t like her. I don’t want her to ride in my smart-car-for-a-day. But I knew that if I was around at 9pm, I’d have to go cruisin’ with her. This is when I decided to go to bed. So I am going to sleep at 8:45pm in order to avoid spending time with M.

That’s almost kind of sad.

Breakfast for Dinner

Tonight, I made pasta with tomato sauce and garlic bread for dinner. M, I suppose in an effort to be friends with me again, stayed in the kitchen the entire time that I was making dinner. She commented on the bag of pasta. She saw me pour the sauce. She watched me cook everything. This is all very important information because, as I finished plating my pasta and pouring the sauce over it, this happens:

M: You’re having breakfast for dinner!
S: …
M: You know, um… maybe it’s dinner for breakfast?
S: …
M: You know what I mean! You are having a breakfast food at dinner time!
S: …What are you talking about?
M: Aren’t those eggs?
S: No. This is pasta.
M: Oh…

Wtf.

Happy Happy

Ahhh, today was a nice day! I didn’t see M at all! Actually, I did see her car parked at the gas station where she is working. I heard her alarm go off at 11:30 this morning but she didn’t actually get out of bed until 3pm. She is working a 4-11 shift this evening. That means that whenever she isn’t sleeping, she’s working. That blows. What a terrible life.

Also, the shitbox that the cops told her to get off the street like a week ago is still parked there. I feel another run in with the law coming on! I hope this one ends with a jail cell. I wish I could type the sound for giggling maniacally!

Blah Blah Blah

I got a call from S this afternoon and he told me that M just texted him and said, “Do you want to go see Eagle Eye tonight?” Oooohhh, burn! We saw that last night, without you! So he lets her know that he has seen it and she replies, “So then what are we going to do tonight?” Rather presumptuous! S tells her that he may be hanging out with a friend of his from out of town. That’s funny because he hung out with B and I all night.

Then, because S wasn’t able to do anything with her, I got a text. Unfortunately, I deleted them before I could copy them out but I have a reasonably good memory so this is the gist of what she said.

From M: What’s going on tonight? That is, if you are talking to by now. I have this month’s rent, as I always do, so there is no reason to be concerned. If you are still mad at me even though I have the rent, then I don’t get it. Whether I go to work or not is my business.

My reply: You’re right, I am concerned when you miss 5 days of work yet take on a huge loan. But, as you wish, I will not wake you up when you sleep in. I have tried to help you out but you just can’t help someone when they won’t do anything to help themselves.

Then M blabbed about how she is helping herself. She has an interview with Starbucks and she is quitting her current day job. She ended the text with something like, “That is all I am going to say about that shit, so whatever.” To which I said, “Yep. Whatever.” Hmm, I guess we’re not doing anything together tonight!

Sooner or Later

Today, I snapped.

M worked a graveyard shift at the gas station last night and that means that she got off work at 6am and she was to go into her other job for an 8am start. As we all know, this is essentially impossible. So, M got home at 6 or so, I am assuming, and lied down on her bed fully clothed – she then, fell asleep.

I wake up and see that her door is closed and her light is off. So I knock on her door and tell her that she has to get up for work. She doesn’t really respond as she is completely incoherent and essentially unconscious. So I knock again. And again. Nothing. I must note that I was not angry when I was waking her up. In fact, I was being very chipper!

Truthfully, the main reason that I wanted her to go to work was because if she did, I knew that there was no way she would be able to come out with us tonight and I sure as hell didn’t want to hang around with M on a Friday night. So with that said, I had to try my damndest to get this girl out of bed, and into work.

I go to her room where I swing the door open and flick on the lights, “WAKEY, WAKEY!” I am greeted with a groan and I go back to my room to continue getting ready for the day.

Ten minutes lapse – It is 7:45 now and if she left right now, she would make it to work only a few minutes late. So, from my room, I call out to her, “M! Wake up!” groan. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED.” Groan. “GO TO FUCKING WORK, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Gradually, my comments and tone went from slightly annoyed to full on infuriation.

SS: Isn’t the whole point of taking these two jobs and actually going to them is to prove yourself to everyone? Everyone said you couldn’t do it and you claimed you would prove us all wrong.
M: I am paying it back.
SS: YEAH, with the fucking loan itself!!! Well that is going to run out if you don’t go to WORK. GO TO YOUR FUCKING JOB!
Eventually, after yelling at her from afar, I decide to go into her actual room, where the door was still open and the light was still on. I revert back to a calm voice to start.
SS: M. Get out of bed and go to work.
M: There is no point. I am going to be late.

*INFURIATION*

SS: 5 minutes late is a lot better than 8 fucking hours late!
M: grunt, groan
SS: How can you show your fucking face at work day after day? Are you not ashamed? I couldn’t do it. I would be so ashamed after missing 5 fucking days. It sickens me and I am fucking tired of being silent about it.

I slammed her door shut (light still on) and went on with my day. This is the 5th day that she has missed since last Monday. The light in her room stayed on until at least 1pm. When I got home at about 4:30, the light was off. She slept for 7 hours with the lights on.

B came over and went directly into M’s room to wake her up, as always. She informed M that it was 6pm on Friday night and she didn’t believe her! She actually has no comprehension of the day or time. She also didn’t call work to let them know that she wouldn’t be going in today. I am sure they are used to that by now though.

She didn’t actually get up until 6:30. She came out of her room and made some sort of foul smelling food in the microwave and then disappeared into her dark cavern to eat it. She didn’t say a word to B or me. I guess she’s a little upset at the words exchanged earlier? Well, I was only telling the truth!

Information Age

Last night, M came home with a Blackberry Curve. B and I both have one, so naturally, she needs one. This, of course, absolutely enrages me. She is just throwing her extra loan money away on phones and clothes and acne cream. HELLO!? That money is supposed to be spent on paying the loan back since you can’t afford to make those payments! It seems odd that she has missed 4 days of work in the last 7 but can still buy a brand new smart phone. She is such a wise girl.

She also bought the phone because I had been gloating about how great Blackberry Messenger is and how B and I talk on it pretty much constantly throughout the day. I think she feels that if she also had it, we would talk to her more. Ain’t gonna happen! B doesn’t even have her on her list and I only have her because I was the one that was forced to show her how to use it.

In other news, when I woke up, M’s room was dark and the door was closed. This is a tell-tale sign that she is still snoozing away, well past her wake up time. So, I wake her up, as usual.

I knock.

M: I know! I’m up! I am going to be late!

So, I assume she means late by a few moments – she is up, she just needs to get ready. Then, fifteen minutes later, as I am leaving the house, I notice that her light is still not on. She hasn’t actually gotten out of bed yet. And so…

I knock.

SS: Um, You’re not getting up!
M: Yeah, I am gonna go in an hour late today…”

JESUS CHRIST!!! Why is she such a disaster?

Guantanamo

Surprise surprise!!! M did not wake up today! I guess she endured her graveyard shift and then came home at 6am with the intention of having a 1 hour nap until she had to go to her day job. I tried 3 times to wake her up and only once did she even make a sound, a low grunt. Man, she was dead asleep.

I came home around 1pm for lunch and she was still asleep! Another day of work missed. When I got home at 5pm, she still wasn’t awake. B woke her up and asked why she didn’t go in even though the answer is pretty obvious – she is an idiot. She didn’t even call them to inform them that she wasn’t coming in. How is she still employed?

I actually watched a documentary called Taxi to the Darkside the other night and in the film, they talk about various interrogation and torture techniques. One of the techniques happens to be sleep deprivation. After 48 sleepless hours, the person is incoherent and mumbling. 72 hours and the person is completely useless. M is subjecting herself to torture techniques used in Guantanamo Bay.

Apprehended

You know… every day, I think that M’s ridiculousness has reached its peak and every day it seems like I am proven wrong. This morning, I found out that M was arrested last night. Through the grapevine, I heard that she was taken to the police station because someone “anonymously” called in and told the police that she was driving her old shitbox car around with no insurance (which she was). Now, according to M’s Facebook, she is convinced that one of her friends did it. Without thinking too highly of myself, I have to assume that she thinks it is either me, B or S:

This morning her facebook said:
“M is wondering who the shitrat coward is who 'anonymously' called the cops on me... thanks a lot, fucker. Friends are just enemies that haven't struck yet...

Someone told the cops that my gold Golf isn't properly insured (the plate switch from the red one) and said they saw me driving it today, which I didn't, but anyway. It had to have been someone I know because that’s the only way they would know its not insured, because it has plates on it. So one of my lovely friends is a big bowl of Bitch Flakes...... I have a pretty good idea of who.

I got a warning after talking for like an hour but I could have lost my license and got a 2500 fine, etc etc. Plus it's actually a crime so I could have been charged/arrested. So I'm pretty pissed. The cop told me specifically that someone called in anonymously to tell them about the Golf.

And people wonder why I'm such a cold hearted bitch myself... well it's because you can't trust anyone!”


It doesn’t help my case that I haven’t spoken to her in 3 days and this isn’t just a simple, “oh I haven’t been around much!” It’s actually a full-on avoidance. Truthfully, it wasn’t me who phoned the fuzz on her but I will admit that I kind of wish it was! I didn’t even think of calling the popo! I also don’t believe it was B or S, mostly because they wouldn’t hide it from me, and also because if they had done it, I would have been there for sure. I can’t believe she was APPREHENDED. I mean, what the hell is next? She has a long lost twin sister and she murdered someone but has fled so the police are now going to arrest M for the murder and she will go to prison? Or maybe M will win the god damn lottery but lose the ticket on her way to collect the money. Would that surprise anyone? Seriously? SHITSTORM.

Update:
M was not actually arrested. She was not put in cuffs and taken to the station. This saddens me so. When she got home, I had to talk to her in order to find out all the juicy details about last night. This means I had to be nice to her :(

And so I found out that she came home around 11pm and she was getting ready for bed when she heard her phone ringing. She didn’t answer (it was a blocked call anyway) because she was brushing her teeth. She listened to the voicemail when she was done and it turns out it was the police. They were outside waiting by her shitbox, threatening to tow it if she doesn’t call them back in the next ten minutes.

She apparently went outside to talk to them and explained her way through it. See, the shitbox is not registered to M. It is registered to the previous owner still because M claims there are some details which prevent her from registering it. The car, essentially, looks stolen. It has the license plates of the car she rammed into that SUV on it and no insurance. The popo were pissed! She was given an official warning that will go on her record and was told that if she drove it or didn’t get it moved off of the street, they would tow it and fine her.

On the job-front, tonight is M’s first graveyard shift! Goooooood luck!

Purge Yourself!

I haven’t spoken to M in 3 days. Friday, Saturday, and now Sunday. I am getting happier with each passing day! Its funny how purging yourself of a miserable force can do so much for your demeanor.

I am still looking for places to rent but it hasn’t gone well so far. I just have to stick it out! The fact that I don’t have a clear deadline makes the task a little easier. My moving dates are very flexible as of right now so I don’t have to settle! I don’t want to end up on a trailer park washing my panties in a load with Bubba’s briefs.

I'm Officially Depressed

Today was probably the most depressing day I have had in a long while. The ridiculousness that is my room mate generally causes a lot of laughter and disbelief but every once in awhile, it causes anger and sadness. I’m not depressed because she is a failure for life, nor am I upset that we have drifted a great deal as friends. I am depressed because her failure means my potential failure.

We share half the rent, people. If M can’t produce, it would leave quite the burden on me. I don’t want to pay her half of the rent – I don’t even LIKE her. Her never buying toilet paper, her not rinsing her dishes when she puts them in the sink, her never emptying the garbage, her never vacuuming or cleaning anything EVER, these things eat away at me but as long as her half of the rent is paid, I can usually deal with it.

So why today? Why is this the day I choose to let this shit get me down? Well…
M did not get up for work again. As usual, I knock on her door to let her know she is late – only this time, I’m not exactly shitting rainbows at the fact that she has slept in – AGAIN.

SS: You should get up.
M: What?
SS: You should get up.
M: Why? (She said this in the bitchiest, “Wtf” tone)
SS: Because you are late for work – again.
M: I haven’t decided if I am going.
SS: WELL, YOU JUST TOOK ON AN 8000 DOLLAR LOAN SO I THINK YOU SHOULD BE WORKING.

Silence.

10 minutes later, as I left the house, I just had to ask –
SS: Did you get fired yesterday?
M: No.
SS: Did you quit?
M: No.

And there you have it! Not a single answer as to why she is missing her third day of work this week. I actually didn’t see her at all today. I spoke to her but didn’t physically see her even though we were at home, at the same time, multiple times today. Her lack of work attendance coinciding with the additional 8 grand (minimum) that she has tacked onto her ever-growing debt train has pretty much confirmed that I MUST find a new place to live. Without her. Without anyone.

Sigh

M did not go to work today. Why? She didn’t feel like it. Man, I’d never leave my bed if I didn’t go into work when I didn’t feel like it. She also removed all photos of S from her room. I guess that would have taken a big chunk of her day to do.

Get the Details Right

M got a second job!!! Oh, don’t get too excited yet though. As I have come to expect from M, she did not get a sensible evening shift job where she would make tips or be off at a reasonable time. No, M got a job working graveyards at a gas station. 10pm until 6am. This might be fine on say, a Friday or Saturday night. Unfortunately, that is not when M will be working. She will be working during the week, which means that she will get up at 6am to go to work for 8am and then she will get home from work at 5pm and go to work at 10pm then get off work at 6am and go to work for 8am and finally get off work at 5pm only to collapse when she gets home. That is 36 hours without any sleep (or very little at the least). This task would be difficult for a regular human being so I can’t even fathom how M expects to do this.

In other news, S (the love of her life) has unfriended her on Facebook. Ohhh, burn! That’s gonna leave a mark. She sent him an e-mail to express her hurt:

“So by unfriending me on facebook that means you don't want to be my friend in 'real life' either? All because of a stupid car? It's not the ideal solution for me, I know, but I thought about it and whatever, I've made my decision. I appreciate that my friends, including you, told me their opinions but in all honesty, I am stubborn and once I've made up my mind, it usually sticks.

Anyway, I'm not regretting the decision to buy the car. Could it be a mistake to do this? Possibly, as you all said. I know that. I've made more than a few bad decisions in recent memory. And if it does all go horribly wrong, well then everyone can say "I told you so" and I'll say "you were right". But it won't go wrong; I am going to make those payments, pay it off early ideally, and all is well. Yeah I'm more in debt but a shitbox that constantly needs repairs would keep me there, too. I'm choosing the road not taken this time with an anti-shitbox...

Plus no one's even asked me in person about my loan details or repayment term or the fact that a second job only 2 nights a week will pay for the car payment AND my insurance... I happen to have got a 3 year term instead of 5, so less interest, etc etc... doesn't matter. Some say I won't be able to pay my other bills, like rent, which is bullshit because I have never been late or missed rent and never will. It's no one's business anyway but they can at least get the details right for the gossip.

You probably won't reply to this message anyway, if you really want me out of your life that badly. Which hurts, by the way. And I don't think it's all about this car thing. You've been strange to me for a few weeks... maybe you've just been busy but we haven't hung out at all in like a month. I got the feeling you were avoiding me. So whatever I have done to make you angry at me, please tell me TO MY FACE instead of just ignoring me and unfriending me on fuckin' Facebook, of all places... Go ahead and yell at me or punch me in the face if you have to and tell me why you're mad instead of just shutting me out.

You should know there was a time when I thought you were my only real friend in the whole world. Guess you don't really care after all. Which is too bad, because I think I've been a pretty good friend to you. Call me when you remember that.

- M”


There are a few things in M’s e-mail that I would like to note.

1. “But it won't go wrong; I am going to make those payments, pay it off early ideally, and all is well.” - This sounds promising! At least she is upbeat about it!

2. Even SHE calls her old car a Shitbox! See, I’m not being mean.

3. Unfriending on facebook is a little dramatic, I agree, but you have to understand that her status is constantly being updated with little tidbits about her dire and depressing financial situation. It gets tiring!

4. Doing the math, M’s loan will end up costing her anywhere between 15,000 and 18,000 dollars. The loan was only for 8,000! Great idea.

5. No, she has never been late on rent. That doesn’t mean there was never a close call though! Even when she didn’t have an additional 15 grand to pay back to the bank, she would still spend the night before rent was due on the phone, in tears, begging family and friends for help paying this months rent (but just until she gets her paycheque!).

In all honesty, there is a chance that she can do this. I am not in a mad panic to move out because I know she has at least 2 grand left on her loan, so she will be able to pay the next few months rent at the least. Eventually though, maybe not this month, or this year, but eventually, she will fall HARD. The debt is piling up somethin’ fierce and it shows no signs of slowing.

PLEASE STAY BACK

In true M style, she took the morning off work in order to go pay the guy for her car. Naturally, the half day turned into a full day off work when she decided that she just couldn’t wait to drive her new car! Problem is, the car is a standard and the only experience M has driving standard is by watching those helpful videos on YouTube. So, sometime this morning, there was a girl, on a hill, with her four-ways on. She kept rolling back, down down down until she pulled the emergency break and sat there. Luckily, some STRANGER got out of his own car, he was dubbed “Hot Paul”, and helped her out of the ridiculous situation. They actually ended up going for lunch together! Wow, love born out of idiocy.

B went down after work to drive the car home for her, since driving it herself didn’t go so well. She noticed that the door lock was punched in, the alignment was brutally off, the clutch was going and the window was stuck down. OH WELL!

Then the time came. B had to help M learn how to drive 5-speed. I got several texts from B informing me of how terrible the experience was and that she has never been with someone who drives so badly. It was actually so bad that a sign was needed. Yes. A giant, pink sign that clearly states, “LEARNING TO DRIVE STANDARD – PLEASE STAY BACK.”



Despite my desire not to speak to M or see her new car, I couldn’t starve myself of the joy of seeing her fail. So the girls swung around to pick me up and off we go! REV REV REV. Wow. I don’t know how to drive standard transmission either, ok? I would probably be terrible at it too, but that’s why I wouldn’t go balls deep and buy a car that I didn’t know how to drive. We stalled at 90% of the stops and stalled on 100% of the hills. Actually, we didn’t just stall on the hills – we peeled out. Those brand new tires are laying on the streets of L-Town right now. I don’t even know HOW to screech my tires, let alone wake the neighbours up with a full on burn out.

Then they drop me off, and the plan is for M to drop B off at home and then drive back to her Grandparent’s house where she was spending the last few days. That would have gone reasonably well, if M hadn’t forgotten essentially everything that B had taught her for the last 5 hours.

B informed me that as soon as I got out of the car, M went blank. Turning left, M stalls. The light goes green – she stalls. The light goes green – she stalls. She, and everyone behind her, missed 3 sets of lights. B had to change places with her because she was physically unable to get the car through the intersection. So they pull into a side street and go over the basics, again. And then… disaster.
Another left turn. M gets half way through the intersection and stalls. B calmly walks her through what to do to get going again and she stalls. And she stalls. And she lurches forward, and she stalls. And she cries. And she waves her arms. And she stalls and she cries and she cries and she cries. Meanwhile, outside the car, M is blocking 4 lanes of traffic and she is blocking them for a total of 6 sets of lights. Back inside the car, B has gone from calm to enraged. She is yelling at M to get out of the car so that she can get them through the intersection but M is frozen! It took what must have felt like an eternity for her to finally be forced out of the car.

They arrive at B’s house and she flat out asks M, “What are we going to do? You can’t physically drive this car to work tomorrow. What are you going to do when I’m not there to rescue you from the middle of an intersection?” So they drive all the way back to our house and trade cars. M failed. She had to drive her shitbox old car because she actually CAN’T drive her new one. She failed not because of mechanics, or insurance, or anything else that might prevent her from driving that car, she failed due to her own inability. It’s funny how I feel so good but M feels so shitty right now. Weird how that works out!

Miraculously she drove the car to our house a mere hour after she dropped B off. B is pissed that suddenly she’s able to drive it with no problem but they just spent 10 minutes in the middle of an intersection. Absurd.

Live Dangerously

Today was insane.

As per our usual weekend routine, B and I met for a delicious breakfast. We generally ATTEMPT (forced by B) to invite M but she is never up by the usual 11am time so, naturally, we manage to enjoy our morning without her. This breakfast was a little different than the rest though. If the following wasn’t an indication of how our entire day was going to unfold, I don’t know what it is. In plain view, mid-breakfast, a child started vomiting. The poor kid was bent over in the middle of the restaurant, barfing red, syrupy waffle puke.

Then, M called. She finally woke up, much too late for our breakfast, but she let us know that she wouldn’t have been able to come anyway because she was going to look at a car to buy. A car? Oh yes, the third one you’ve owned this month? Oh lovely. I hung up the phone and B and I spent the next ten minutes fuming about how M can’t afford a car, shouldn’t take the loan, how ridiculous she is, etc etc. Then we got thinking – we have nothing to do today! Wouldn’t it be hilarious to accompany M on this journey?

I called M back and asked if she would like us to come along. She happily agreed that we should, since she doesn’t know how to drive a standard car (yet she is buying one) and B does. Then we find out the car is about 45 minutes away and I get a little lazy and tell her that I don’t want to drive. This means, we are going in M’s beast of a car, with no insurance. Live dangerously.

So, we meet M at her grandparent’s house where she had been staying for the last few days. As we sat there waiting, M pulled up and immediately drove into the garage door. A bang that neither her, or her mother, heard. B and I let her know when she got out of the car that she hit the garage door, leaving a pretty substantial dent. This was of little concern as she would “fix it later.” Right.

B calls shotgun on the drive out to the big city. M, without a map, assures us that she knows exactly where she is going and then off we go. We have 1 hour to get to a place that should take us 45 minutes on a good day so we should be ok, right? Gimme a break.

I fear that that ride shaved a few years off of my life expectancy for two reasons: stress and exhaust fumes. I had to decide between wind-blown hair and passing out from exhaust inhalation because there was no way to sit in the backseat with the window up. We did have a fun way of passing the time on the ride there though! Every time that M stepped on the gas, we turned around to watch the mushroom cloud of blue smoke billow out of the ass end of the car. Hiroshima! Oh joyous day. M is single handedly depleting our precious ozone.

The Jetta that we are going to see is located at Main and East 2nd. This is relevant because we came to East 12th, and then East 16th, East 22nd, and M kept plugging along like she knew exactly where she was going. I think the conversation in the car went something like this:

SS/Me: The streets are going up, we have to turn around.
M: No, we are looking for something something St.
B: I think we are going the wrong way.
SS: We are definitely going the wrong way.
M: No, this street crosses with something something St.
SS: Ok, but either way, even if we find something something St. won’t we still need to go all the way back to East 2nd?

Silence.

B and I msg back and forth on our phones – “we are going the wrong fucking way, why the fuck won’t she turn around, omg this is a disaster” etc.

Finally, we come to East 44th and B and I essentially yell in unison, “TURN THE FUCK AROUND, M!”

42 streets in the wrong direction and 15 minutes late for our appointment and we are heading back! Then we finally come to Main. This means that two streets to the left, or two streets to the right, is where we need to be. Of course, we end up going right, which is the wrong way we realize very quickly. M doesn’t seem to mind though as she just continues passing street after street and not turning around. TURN AROUND, OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She finally chooses a road that I guess meets her standards and turns down it. Now, normally one would then pull into a parking lot or drive way or something to retrace their steps and go back up the way they came. NOPE. Not today, folks! M continues to follow the street without heading back to Main – she is actually not heading in the direction of our destination at all. Eventually I ask why we aren’t taking one of the streets that would lead us onto Main and she, well… I don’t think she said anything. She just continued onto this elaborate overpass which led us in the opposite direction of Main and East 2nd.

We asked a man in a jeep how to get to the place. He pointed behind him and said, “back that way” with a confused look on his face. And so we turned around successfully and suddenly we are at Main and East 2nd. Hallelujah. We need to go left or right but we aren’t sure which one. M is on the phone with the seller of the car right now and he is bitching her out because we are approximately an hour late and we’ve told him we are “just around the corner” about 4 times. In our defense, we actually WERE just around the corner, but M decided to go around every other fuckin’ corner on the way there. He tells us we have ONE minute to get there or he is leaving. So M doesn’t go left, and she doesn’t go right, she goes straight. M goes the only option that is 100% certainly the wrong choice. That’s right, M passes East 2nd by like it was a tranny hooker. OH. MY. GOD. What is WRONG with her?

So we backtrack… and finally, we get there. The guy is young, hot, and super pissed off. He is so unimpressed that he doesn’t even take out his headphones the entire time M was talking to him about the car. Both B and I were too embarrassed to go for the test drive so M was stuck with him alone. I’m surprised he didn’t launch it off a cliff. He did stop for gas though – 7 dollars worth.

She pretty much asked no questions – just informed him that she will buy the car tomorrow. I told her beforehand that we shouldn’t even bother going to view the car because no matter what the condition of it, she will buy it. She bought a car that starts with a screw driver! She will buy ANYTHING.

We’re sitting in the shitbox about to head home (I get the front seat this time) and I turn to M and say, “How do you plan on getting the car home tomorrow?”
M: Well, I will drive it.
SS: Yes, but someone needs to drive the other car.
M: Well then, I will take public transit.
SS: You do realize that public transit will take you approximately 2 hours to get here, right?
B: and I really don’t think you should learn how to drive standard in downtown Vancouver. I will come out after work and pick it up with you.

Wow, B. Big mistake.

Phewf. I’m tired now.

In Other News

The other day, M told me that she applied for a loan via CitiBank online and whoa! She was approved! She was approved for up to 10,000 dollars! Just what she needs – more debt. She told me that she wasn’t going to use it though, since the interest rate is a whopping 39%!! I thought this was illegal, personally. She scoffed at the insane interest rate and said something like, “yeah, right! I’m not going to do that!”

That brings us to today. M informed me that she plans on taking the loan. Surprise surprise. Sometimes I wonder why I ever give this girl the benefit of the doubt – it was only a few days ago that I thought to myself, “no one in their right mind would take out a loan with 39% interest.” Well, I was correct, no one in their RIGHT mind would. She won’t be using all of the money though. She only intends to take out $8,000. Let’s calculate: this means that she will be paying Citibank 18,000 dollars over the course of her 5 years of repayment. Does this strike anyone else as completely RIDICULOUS? No? No one?

M has been driving without insurance since she got her “new” car. The car isn’t even registered in her name, actually. If she was stopped, she could get a large fine (thousands of dollars), a suspended license, and potentially be arrested. You would think that someone in that position would, maybe, not drive. Not M! She’s cruising all over town. Helping her mom (that’s another disaster for another day) move, driving to work, driving here, driving there, driving EVERYWHERE! Absurd.

In other news, M has Anemia. This means that her own red blood cells are attacking her white blood cells. Even her blood is saying STOP LIVING to her. God, maybe she should just give up? She is on ridiculous antibiotics and claims she can’t eat certain foods at certain times. She has burdened me with a big list of her do’s and don’ts on our fridge. B had been telling her she had Anemia for months now due to her so-pale-she’s-blue complexion and 12-15 hour sleeps. The doctor also prescribed super strength acne cream – no joke.

We Need You to Leave

Her car is still running, believe it or not! She went to Aircare on Saturday to get her car tested. If she doesn’t pass, then she can’t insure the car. Her mechanics have assured her that they will make it pass no matter what!

So she is in the line up with about one car in front of her before it is her turn, when a man comes out of the testing bay and makes his way towards her car. She rolls down her window and the man says to her, “Could you please leave?”

“I’m sorry, what?”
“We need you to leave.”
“Why??”
“Your car is blowing so much blue smoke that we won’t be able to test it.”
“…Can’t you just test it so that I know what my emissions are?”
“No, we need you to leave.” And he hands her a pamphlet on what to do if your car is blowing blue smoke.

They wouldn’t even take her money and test it knowing full well it would fail! I mean, that is EMBARRASSING. What the hell? I don’t think I’d be able to wake up in the morning if this was my life, man.

Also, a few weekends ago we were at B’s place enjoying a social get together and we ended up watching gross videos on YouTube. Births, pimple popping, pus draining, etc. Let it be known that M has somewhat of an acne problem and she has an aversion to popping her zits. This is a personal choice, I suppose, but most people have found that if you don’t pop a zit, it stays there for a very long time as your body then has to REOBSORB the pus back into your face. So most people pop them. Not M! She leaves them alone – days and days they stay there. It looks like if she flexed her cheek they’d all pop-pop like bubble wrap (bubble wrap filled with cream cheese!). BUT don’t worry – this is going somewhere. The day after we watched all those youtube videos of people pimple popping (sounds like a sweet movie – purple people eaters, people pimple poppers) M came out the next day with a FRESH PUS-LESS FACE!!! I guess she used the videos as inspiration.

Unfortunately, all the zits are back now. In full force. Maybe it’s like if you shave, it comes back twice as thick? Who knows.

Hot Wired

So she now has her car. She called me Wednesday night at about 5pm –

“Hey, I can’t talk much right now because I am at the gas station and you aren’t supposed to be on your cell phone but I got my new car. It doesn’t start with a key, I have to sort of hot wire it, but anyway, the steering wheel won’t move, do you know a trick to make it move?”

“…wiggle it?”

“Yeah I tried that, it won’t move, just thought you might know a trick.”

“…One question. Why the hell did you pick up your car if it wasn’t actually ready – if you need to HOT WIRE it to make it go?”

“It is ready. This is how it is going to be.”

“…Why don’t you call the mechanics and ask them to come help you, they are only like a 3 minute drive away?”

“They already showed me how so I didn’t want to bug them again.”

“But… your car won’t go... and you bought it ten minutes ago. Good luck.”

And so she arrived home safe and sound after figuring it out somehow. Then she went for a drive (she invited me along but I declined). I got a text from her later that evening telling me that she has so much to tell me about her new car and all the things that have been going wrong. I went to bed and I haven’t asked since – don’t plan to. Sorry if you wanted to hear it because you won’t, seeing as I can’t bear to listen.

Also, today, M bought a new tooth brush. I am putting this in here because she seems to go months and months without buying a new one. I want to document how long this one will last. It has a lot of rubber bits on it so I have a feeling it’s going to be there for a long while.

And before I go, can I just clarify that she spent 1,500 dollars on a car that she has to start with a screw driver?

Doritos

You guessed it! The car wasn’t ready. She is also pretty upset because she actually got to go SEE the car tonight and it’s um… ugly. It also has no stereo and the backseat is all wet. She is super stoked about the SUNROOF though! Woo.

I took her to the grocery store with me as she only had a bag of frozen mixed vegetables left. She came armed with no list of what she needed, as usual. She was also “depressed” (who wouldn’t be?) and therefore wouldn’t even touch an item on the shelf by herself. “Do you need soup? Sidekicks? Noodles? Pizza pops? Microwave dinners?” I walked her through everything she usually buys and she reluctantly picked out a few things. The only thing M actually picked up without me coaxing her to do so was a bag of Doritos. Mmm, she’s eatin’ healthy tonight.

Pop the Cork! It's Champagne!

Surprise surprise! No car for M, at least not today. I came home to her sulking in her room, eager to inform me of today’s tragedies.

The “custom” golf that she was supposed to get got towed away today as the previous owner had a lien on it. I mean, seriously. Could I even make this up? It is just one disaster after another. So the mechanic that arranged the deal in the first place has promised her a different golf. The only issue is that this one is in much worse condition than the original one she was supposed to get. And, it’s champagne coloured. That is where I draw the line. Hell, it can barely run, but if it is CHAMPAGNE, cheque please.

This car needs EVERYTHING. They are completely stripping the car she catapulted into the Benz and putting it everything into the champagne-shell of a car. Good news though, folks – this thing is an automatic! Actually, it’s only partly good news because I’m sure I would get a lot of laughs out of her driving a standard into the ground. I wonder how many times she’d stall it going to work every day? 13?

Anyway, apparently she will get the car tomorrow. I don’t understand how they can do that much work in one day but we shall see.

My Truck is Full

Tonight a large group of our friends (I will guess about 20 people) went to a restaurant. I went and of course, M did as well. I informed her that I intended on leaving at 9:30, so if she wishes to get a ride with me, she better be ready to leave then.

9 rolls around and she decides to order food. I texted S, “I am leaving soon so have fun driving M home.” He replies, “Absolutely not.” I then let her know that I was heading out and she says, “Well, I am sure I can get a ride, if not, I will take a cab.”

As I’m leaving, a few people ask me how she is getting home. I told them that someone is going to have to drive her because she just ordered food! Various people responded with, “No way!” “My truck is full!” “Haha, nooooo.”

How depressing is that? Among approx. 20 of your friends, not even one wants to drive you home?

Crash, Bang, Boom!

Wow. This is going to be a WHOPPER of an entry.

You may be wondering why it’s been about 4 days since I have written anything here. One might assume that the lack of entries means M has stopped being an absolute failure. Believe it or not, this is not the case! M is not only still a failure, she is even more of a failure than any of us could have ever imagined. I believe the best way to do this is a day by day blow of the events that have taken place.

Wednesday –
I consider myself a pretty good driver. I have little bouts of not paying attention – texting while driving – slamming on the brakes every now and then – we’re all human. M though, is possibly the most tragic driver I have ever well, driven with. When I am in the car with her, my hand is clenching the arm rest, my eyes are closed, and my head is turned towards the passenger window. Why? Because I KNOW that we WILL rear end someone and I am, I’m not ashamed to admit, scared for my life.

So it is Wednesday evening. M has left to attend our mutual friend’s hockey game (even though no one actually wants her to). 5 minutes after M leaves the house, I get a phone call: It’s B, “M just rear ended someone, REAL BAD, we just drove by – we aren’t stopping, Z (B’s Bro) doesn’t want to, we’re late for the game.” Wow. If that doesn’t sum up it up right there. Your “friends” see you get in a car accident and they KEEP DRIVING.

Since I live with her, I am of course the first one that is expected to run to her aid. So I text her, “I heard you got in an accident. Let me know if you need a ride. Hope you are ok.” I lied. I actually recall thinking “I hope she has a minor injury – if only to teach her not to follow so goddamn close.”
This is what I get in return, “Thanks, the police are coming and tow truck. My car is toast. Don’t know how I’d pay for it anyway. And the other guy, I don’t have collision. I don’t know what to do.”

To which I respond something like, “It will be fine.” To be honest, I don’t really know what I said but it was probably something as pseudo-sensitive as that.
I then receive, “I gotta wait for the police. Getting it towed home for now. I’ll call my co-worker tomorrow and ask for a ride. Should be ok. My car is a write off the fire fighter said.”

No shit, Sherlock. You LAUNCHED yourself into a Mercedes Benz SUV. Why didn’t you hit a fuckin Corolla? Maybe a 1990 Civic? A Pontiac? I mean, really, absolutely ANYTHING other than a Mercedes Benz S-U-FUCKIN-V.

So the tow truck comes to collect the remains of her shitbox and she asks them to please tow it to our home. Newsflash!!!! We live in a BASEMENT SUITE. We have no property on which to park the wreckage and so they would be dropping it on the street. That is understandably illegal because it would likely sit there for 3 years while the weather attempts to turn it back into EARTH. So the tow truck company refuses to do this, as they would likely get cited for doing so. So they tow it to their own yard, for 25 dollars a day. They then leave her on the side of the road to find her own way home. Instead of say, calling me for a ride, she decides to RUN to the hockey game she has missed due to her stupidity. So the rain is comin’ down hard, she’s wearing leather boots, probably 15 shirts because she is into the “layering” look and she’s got a coffee in her hand. She starts bookin’ it down the street. A good solid jaunt to the arena.

She makes it. Literally one minute left in the game. Coffee running down her arm, soaking wet, her hair even worse than it usually is. She is a mess. Not a hot mess. A wet, sloppy, mess. Everyone by this time had been told that M was in a car accident, a concerned mother comments “Oh is that why she looks so pale?” Z responds, “No, she is always like that.”

She has NO shame. She laments to anyone who will listen about her shitty life and even tells some of the parent’s at the game that she has 97 cents left on her LINE OF CREDIT. This means that M is the proud owner of -4999.03 dollars. Oh but, “could you drop me off at starbucks after the game?” That’s one small coffee she’s gonna be buying.

Thursday -
I offered to drive M to work on Thursday because, well, she crashed her car the night before. Let’s be serious though, we all know that I didn’t offer because I felt bad, I offered because if she loses her job, she can’t pay rent.
Anyway, M has a habit of sleeping in. So it is not uncommon that I wake her up in the morning because she has over slept – again.
I knocked on her door
“Hello?”
“Wake up.”
“Oh shit”
Then I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and what not so that I am prepared for the day. I exit the bathroom and look at M’s room. If the lights are on – she is up. If the lights are off – she fell back asleep.

Lights off. “ARE YOU UP?”

“I just got up like right now” She said this like she didn’t recall me waking her up. She had no inclination that she remembered me knocking on her door whatsoever. Then she tells me she doesn’t think she will go to work because now she will be “rushed”. Like someone else is rushing her. Uh, no bitch, get the fuck up for work like everyone else.

She spends the day going to the bank to beg on her hands and knees for a loan – which she managed to get – God only knows how. She now has 1500 dollars to spend how she sees fit. Immediately she decides to buy the first car she sees online that is 1500 dollars and close enough that she can ask one of our friends to drive her. Problem is, it is a standard transmission – oh no problem, M learned how to drive stick on YOUTUBE. I think I am going to learn how to do open heart surgery on YouTube tonight. Any takers?

So she went to see this car – which if she did buy, she wouldn’t even be able to drive home. Turns out though, that the car doesn’t actually RUN. Which is sort of a must when buying a vehicle. Unless you are mechanically inclined and intend to make it run. Needless to say, M is not anything-inclined. Well, disaster-inclined, maybe.

Lucky for her, there is another hockey game that evening! She will actually get to see this one, since someone else is going to drive her. B and I arrive at the game to see M, in a foam neck brace. The sight of this was enough to knock me into complete hysterics.

I asked, “…did you go to the doctor?”
“No.”
“You self-prescribed yourself a neck brace?”
“Well it was hurting!!”
“Why didn’t you go to the doctor?”
“Um, how am I supposed to GET THERE?”
“Well how the FUCK did you get to shopper’s fucking drug mart to buy that piece of shit?”
“…”

A group of us sat behind her and did Mr. Roboto whenever she wasn’t looking. I actually think she saw me, but I can never be sure because her eyes never seem to be pointing in the same direction. Her neck brace was on so tight that by the end of the game she looked like Violet Beauregardge from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Her face was blue. Her body was probably swelling into a big round ball that some midgets could roll out of the arena too but I couldn’t stop looking at her face, so I didn’t notice.

Lucky for me, because I live with her, I got to drive her home! I took this opportunity to talk about the car she went to look at. She informed that, “if he dropped the price, she would buy it and get a new engine put in it.” I lost it. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I very sternly informed her that, “if a car has a sagging headliner – ok. If a car has bald tires – ok. In your situation, M, you can afford to over look those minor details but if the car goes as fast as a fucking CARDBOARD BOX, maybe you should KEEP FUCKING LOOKING.”

Weird – not much conversation after that.

Friday –
She went to work. She said it was painful, blah blah blah, I asked her if she wanted to come dancing – she declined. Reeeaaallly? Why? Oh yeah, you can’t dance in a neck brace.

So she ended up heading out to a friend’s house to do something that doesn’t involve a lot of movement, I gather. I see her absence as an opportunity! To put on her ugly shoes and dance like the Goddess Bunny, for B to rub her naked ass on M’s pillows, for us to just generally, be assholes.

Oh, and she also bought a car! The chop shop she gave her wreck to is using parts of it and parts of other people’s mistakes and making her, as she calls it, her own “CUSTOM CAR!!!” Yay. It’s still a standard though. Don’t worry! Youtube.

Saturday –
It is about 6pm and M is still sleeping. This itself, I find revolting. That is beside the point though, because M is missing a very important event! The funeral of her car!

Yes, she made a Facebook event for the funeral of her vehicle. 6pm, Boston Pizza, Saturday. It is going to be one lonely funeral though, as only one other person has confirmed themselves as going. And no, that person is not me.

I actually thought that maybe she asphyxiated to death wearing her neck brace while sleeping but phewf, she just woke up! 6:25pm and she is ready to seize the day! She just now came to me and retold the story of how she bought a car – to be custom made for her. She told me this like it was all brand new information. Like she hadn’t told me the night before. Twice.

I couldn’t control myself. I just pretended that I had never heard the story. It was seriously one of the most bizarre things I have experienced in my entire life. She has no idea she told me that story less than 24 hours ago.
THIS IS MY LIFE.

11:01 pm
Tonight, I saw the most tragic thing I have seen in weeks. I know this is hard to believe, seeing as M’s face was turning blue, just the other day, due to her self-prescribed neck brace but I kid you not, this was even more tragic than that.
M jumping on a trampoline.

M has never been on a trampoline in her entire life. Imagine, if you will, a fish, out of water, on its side, flapping. This is what M looked like on the trampoline. All I could yell was “WHY AREN’T YOU STANDING?” to which she replied, “I can’t.” Who doesn’t know how to JUMP? Wtf.

Tupperware

Today we had someone coming to install an alarm system in our suite. I thought it would be a good idea to do my dishes so that the place didn’t look completely unkempt in case the landlord popped in. What good would it be to do my own dishes if M’s were still in the sink fermenting though? So, out of kindness and embarrassment, I also did her dishes.

All I have to say is, I don’t know what you were eating in Tupperware container number 3 but it was FOUL. There was some sort of tissue as well as perhaps partially digested food that I had to scoop out and dispose of.

Revolting.

Breakfast Was Delicious

Rewind to last night. B, S, and I are enjoying each other’s company in S’s abode. S gets a text from M saying something along the lines of, “I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU – btw, want to go for breakfast tomorrow?” Ok, so she didn’t say I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU but she doesn’t have to, it’s practically scrawled across her forehead. The breakfast invite was directed toward S and only S – an only SLIGHTLY awkward breakfast since S can’t stand the sight of the woman and wants nothing to do with her. She, naturally, doesn’t realize this since she is only ever HALF aware that she is even alive.

Now, fast forward to this morning at 10:20am. I am awoken by a text message – B asking me if I would like to join her and S for breakfast at 11am. I agree whole-heartedly and much to my dismay (B forced me), I sent a text message to M informing her that “we are going to breakfast at 11am, if you would like to come.” One must keep in mind that M never wakes before 3pm on weekends and takes approximately 2 hours to get ready to leave the house, so I knew full well that she would not be able to make it to this breakfast date, which is probably the only reason I agreed to text her a wake up message.

10:25am rolls around and I get a text message from S saying that M has invited him for breakfast at noon, not knowing that he has already planned to attend the breakfast that everyone else is attending. WTF? I knocked on her door and said, “Just so you know, we are all going for breakfast at 11, that is including S, so he won’t be able to make it to your private breakfast at noon.” She decided that 11am was too early for her, so she didn’t join us. What a shame. Breakfast was delicious, just fyi.

Also, due to my own laziness and my desire to well, not go get toilet paper, I caved and asked M to buy it. I sent her a text saying “Can you pick up toilet paper, we are out, thank you.” So she brought home toilet paper. The rolls are so small I might get 3 pees in before I have to switch it out. Maybe I am just hard to please. Or maybe she is a fucking retard.

It’s the latter.

Toilet Paper

9:47am
We are down to two rolls of toilet paper. Should I just go buy more like I always do or should I finally let her know that we need it? We have lived together for 9 months and she has bought toilet paper approximately 2-3 times. Why would I let her get away with that? Why don’t I just tell her, “It’s your turn”? It all boils down to: if you want something done right, do it yourself.

Before we moved in together, M and I took a little trip to wal-mart for what exactly, I don’t recall. As we make our way to the check-out, shopping finished, M realizes “Aw shit, I forgot, my mom told me to get toilet paper.” I sigh internally – you are so dumb, why didn’t you think of that when we were still actually looking at items to purchase, not making our way to purchase them. People forget things though, so I start to turn around to go to the TP aisle. She stops me, “I’ll just get this” a GIANT 12 pack of Kleenex boxes. This was something you would find at Costco and only a priest would purchase because no one but people attending funerals could possibly use that much tissue – ever.

And so, for fear of her coming home with enough Kleenex to stuff my bra until I’m 85, I buy the toilet paper when the stock is low.

Mission Failed

5:06pm
I have been holing myself up in my room from the time I arrived home from work (approx 4:30pm) until the time my room mate leaves the house for a birthday party (at approx 7:30pm). Completely to avoid seeing and hearing her. Or worse, speaking to her. Having to engage in mind numbing conversation. “Are you coming tonight?” “No” “Why not?” “Because I hate you” scratch that – “because I don’t feel like it” “Oh ok”.

I both hate and love that she doesn’t care what my response is. I hate it because she is essentially ALWAYS running on auto-pilot. Every word she speaks is painful to listen to – and especially to reply to – considering that it all means NOTHING to her so why bother even looking in her direction? She is a robot. I love it because I don’t want her to care about anything I do. Her caring may mean I should return the favour, no?

Avoiding her has been easy so far as she is not home. It is only 5:09 at the time of this typing though. I fear that I will go stir crazy in my room before she even arrives home and thus, will end up exiting my private quarters and going into the “common area” where she will most likely be wandering around aimlessly unsure of which one of her eyes to follow (one is lazy).

In all honesty, she will most likely be in such a mad rush to make herself look beautiful (a daunting task) for said birthday party that all I would see and hear would be flailing arms and cursing “fuck fuck fuckity fuck, I’m so late.” She is late? Oh, how unusual.

This all being said, I will most likely strategically exit my room when she enters the bathroom – then run back in and close the door when I hear the bathroom door unlocking. Just to feel free.

Update: 6:00pm
I held out as long as I could but unfortunately my stomach lining has started eating itself out of starvation so I must venture out before flies start collecting around my swollen belly.

I have successfully avoided her thus far. She went into the bathroom to shower and that means opportunity! I have put my dinner in the oven, and so it cooks. I also took this chance to snoop at what she intends to wear tonight to the club. She has an affinity for wearing more than one shirt. Tonight it appears that she will be wearing two shirts and a vest. Nice combo, girl.

6:44
Mission failed. We spoke. Well, I nodded a few times during possibly the most boring story I have ever had to listen to, which I will retell here, much to your dismay:

“So, do you want to hear about what HAPPENED today? Well I will tell you anyway. So, I intended to drive out to Vancouver tonight to go to the club. This will not be happening now. In preparation for the trip, after work, I decided to top up my oil and coolant as my car leaks both regularly. So I put some coolant into the tank and then I go on my merry way. Well, not even 5 minutes into my drive and my car is billowing a smoke/steam! So I pull into wal-mart and I get out of my car and step right into a GREEN LIQUID! My coolant had all leaked out…” I am bored just retyping this. Jesus. “So I popped my hood and I was trying to call my grandpa for help and I was holding up my hood and this guy asked me for change for the bus and I was like “CANT YOU SEE I AM IN A PREDICAMENT?” and he wouldn’t go away so I gave him 3 dollars. And then I bought more coolant and I put it in my car and I drove home. So like, yeah my car is fucked”

Does anyone care? I get it. You fail at living. I’m only writing this down right now so that I know I’m not suffering alone. You’re reading it too.